Guest Blog: 7 Reasons Why I Refuse to Watch the Royal Wedding

April 28, 2011, By Ron Mattocks 11 comments

I’m quite sure I’m not the only one out there who thinks that the media coverage of Prince William and Miss Catherine Middleton’s wedding has been a smidge overdone. You can’t turn on the “telly” without getting a face full of speculation that strains to make even the minutest of details newsworthy.

Yesterday, one of the morning programs showed a paparazzi-style picture of the happy couple driving from the bride’s hometown in Buckleberry to London. “Notice how Kate’s hair is worn up,” one of the anchors said. “Could this be a hint of how she’ll be wearing if for the wedding?” Oh, yes. I don’t think I can finish my bowl of Cheerios without knowing.

The best part of this story was when the British newscaster sitting nearby tempered the overblown analysis by pointing out there were two full days remaining before the ceremony, plenty of time for Kate to hit the salon and have her hair styled in an infinite number of ways; thus proving even the English are sick of America’s stalker-ish coverage of the event. I swear he rolled his eyes just prior to offering this common sense observation, after which he proceeded to do a 15-minute segment on the tradition behind the inclusion of jelly molds at all royal wedding receptions. Apparently King Henry “Turkey Leg” the VIII was a big fan of the jiggly little buggers, and they’ve been a mainstay ever since.

Catching today’s headlines I nearly sprained my eyeballs after rolling them so vigorously in reaction to the report that the soon-to-be princess has been experiencing a reoccurring dream where she realizes that she’s at the alter standing before God and Queen, naked. Seriously? Has our compulsion for sensationalizing the trivial reached such an obsessive state that Rupert Murdoch and FOX News would actually employ Leonardo DiCaprio and Ellen Page to pull an Inception-like mission on Miss Middleton’s mind in an effort to root out the secrets of her subconscious?

The thought of this actually happening, most likely at the beauty parlor where DiCaprio and co. pose as hairdressers who then proceed to drug Kate into a deep enough sleep for them to burrow down to a level three dream state only to witness the bride in the nude, proved to be the final straw. That’s when I officially decided to get a full eight hours of sleep rather than rouse myself out of bed at 3 AM for the live broadcast of the royal nuptials. But this isn’t the only reason I won’t be watching; here are a few more:

1. The Boston Massacre in 1770, the 1814 burning of Washington DC and Neville Chamberlain's disastrous, 1938 Munich Agreement with Adolph Hitler. My friends claim I really can hold a grudge, but I don’t know. Maybe.
2. Neither Prince William nor Kate Middleton would accept my request to be Facebook friends. They also rejected my wedding gift—A high-tech, super sleek alarm clock from Sharper Image that unfortunately was damaged during shipping thus had wires sticking out all over the place.
3. The news commentators will be boring. Now, if they had Dick Vitale raving about Prince William being a “dapper dandy,” and Kate as a PTP’er—Prime Time Poloney (British slang for a young woman—look it up) then we’d be talking. Or when the bride and groom kiss, having that soccer sportscaster yelling GOOOOOOOOOOOAL! for three straight minutes would be cool too.
4. There’s no halftime show. Hey, if we’re going to make such a big production out the whole spectacle, then why not some live performances by a star-studded ensemble of recording artists somewhere between, “We are gathered here together,” and, “With this ring.” Personally, I’d like to see numbers by U2, Sinead O’Connor and those two brothers who sing, “I Would Walk Ten Thousand Miles.”
5. Prince William has failed to produce a credible birth certificate. I’m not kidding here. How do we know he’s really a prince to begin with? Who’s to say, William’s not Egyptian? This looks like a job for Donald Trump!
6. There’s a Benny Hill marathon on TV Land running at the same time. Benny Hill? Royal wedding? That’s a no-brainer. Even better, this is followed by 12 hours of Magnum P.I. I think even Higgins would drop his tea and crumpets to join me on the couch for these classics.

And the final reason why I won’t be watching Prince William and Kate Middleton tie the knot…

7. I cry at weddings. I swear—so help me, if word of that ever gets out... Well, let’s just say it won’t be pretty.
    

Comments (11):

Shannon R. @Richard L. and Dr D. - Well said boys! - 06/30/2011

Dr D. I had two: first one is along the same lines as yours. But the other point is: Our founding fathers and the generation that won the Revolutionary War died so that we could successfully NOT give a shit about the royal wedding. I refuse to see their memories disgraced. - 06/26/2011

Richard L. I only had one reason: I didn't give a s**t.... - 06/20/2011

Mack E. I didn't watch the wedding because I had better things to do than be a slave to TV. Same reason for the U.S. "practicing president" coverage BARF - 06/14/2011

Will D. #8 - Do they own a clock? I wouldn't get up at 4 AM to watch tag-team mud wrestling between the Rockettes and the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Okay.. who am I kidding? - 05/12/2011

Thomas M. There was a wedding? Just joshin' - I taped it...for my girlfriend. - 05/03/2011

John O. i was in the woods on a 50 mile backpacking trip, where, appropriately, there was no throne. - 05/02/2011

Bill R. hi english ex pat here, i'm in Vancouver bc but outsiders just aint welcome on the location thingy! All my life i've been a monarchist, you will note, NOT a royalist, there is a difference.The alternative was always, to have the crazies rule us, like Bush, Arnie, Palin or god forbid, Reagan! In fact we had enough of our own, Wilson, Thatch, Major, and now cameroon! shake hands with that guy, you'd never play the guitar again! Thing is all this has to stop, these parasites have been having the UK population over for 500 years.The Queens contribution to this jolly boys outing is about the same as some third world country's annual debt! Add in the public purse contribution via policing, BBC coverage, and sundries! and you have the makings of a nice little earner for someone, but, not for the great British public, oh no! Cameroon and his bunch of nihilistic cronies will make sure that public services are cut, the old and the sick still struggle, and people are denied benefits, so that they are in fact taken off the unemployment totals. This wedding, was a distraction, a smoke screen perpetrated by the tory govt. and Windsor Inc.Maybe i'm missing something here, but 24 million people in the UK tuned in for this event, right? so the population being 62 million, and in spite of it being a bank holiday day off, 36 millions did NOT! erm...hardly blanket coverage. Personally i would guess that willy and katie felt bloody embarrassed by the whole thing, and as for his brother Harry Hewitt, sorry Windsor! i think he'd rather have been somewhere else.The chinless wonders and the general hangers on that get any monies from the "Civil List" really need to be taught a lesson or two, mainly stop wearing stupid hats that make you look well retarded, get a bloody job and stop thinking that the rest of us all have big houses and BMW's too! The rest of your lives should not be spent in luxury at the British Taxpayers expense.No wonder the Windsors NEVER comment or answer back at their critics, they HAVE no excuses at all! - 04/30/2011

Nana J. I didn't watch it either. Hrs after the wedding I woke up and checked out the dress and the procession and turned off the tele. I hate wedding ceremonies bc they are ceremonies and noone is doing any celebrating except the couple. I haven't been invited to a wedding ceremony in ages but I've been invited to many reception dinners and accepted every invite. I would have loved to have been invited to the royal wedding dinner. Now that is something I would go to!!!! - 04/30/2011

Ron M. @Judge B. I didn't get up at 3 but I did turn it on while getting ready for work. I did get a little choked up at the singing of the National Anthem - I get emotional at displays of patriotism. I also got my stepdaughters up a few minutes early so they could catch some of the carriage ride. Despite my satirical nature, I am a fan of Prince Harry and William. They seem very down to earth and I can appreciate that. Good show. - 04/29/2011

Judge B. Admit it mate, you have been stuck to the screen all day, a closet royalist screaming when you saw Katie's dress and crying when they said yes. It's the Bristish Disney show, watching by millions around the Globe and cashing in billions. Personally, I think it's great to see the old royals keeping their followers loyal, and still reaching out to all ages. There's something special about royal weddings. But, I do agree that there should be some half time show with either clowns or music, perhaps even a musical. - 04/29/2011