Can Divorce Make You a Better Dad?

January 21, 2012, By Kurt Simonsen 0 comments

It's been over a year and a half since I became a single man again. I've done what most people do during that time—a lot of thinking. One thing I've discovered is that many times the right answers in life can come from embracing opposites.

Here's an example: if a situation would normally lead to you getting uncontrollably angry, what would happen if you became incredibly calm? Imagine someone at an electronics store tells you that the extremely expensive TV you bought recently and suddenly stopped working isn't covered under warranty. You might get angry and have a fit until they fix the situation. But by being extremely calm, you force them to deal with the situation—your broken TV—and not just finding a way to push your anger onto someone else.

Divorce is another good time to examine opposite reactions to your normal instincts. Feelings are hurt, blame is thrown around and kids are often de-prioritized behind personal issues. During my divorce, I wanted to establish a positive relationship with my ex-wife, one that would benefit the kids long term, but things felt forced and I couldn't shake the feelings that nothing good could come of this divorce for my kids. It wasn't until I examined the opposite view that I realized I had an amazing opportunity.

In the middle of trying to convince my kids that everything was going to be OK, I had a guilty epiphany. I struggled endlessly with it, even denied it, until I took the time to understand it. Divorce gave me the opportunity to become a better dad.

Before the divorce, I lived the life of an involved father who adored his daughters. I worked hard so my kids could be comfortable and safe. I spent quality time with them. In short, I thought I was a tremendous father. But at that time I had a wife to pick up the slack when I had other responsibilities. If I was busy—coaching, teaching, tutoring, exercising, whatever—she would handle the kids. If I had to be somewhere, I never had to worry. I knew they'd be all right.