Daddy Blues
May 28, 2010, By Craig J. Heimbuch 1 comment
Time Magazine recently ran a piece about a new study that found up to 10 percent of new dads experience the symptoms that define post-partum depression. Essentially, the piece reveals the “surprising” fact that men are affected by the drastic life changes that come along with your new bundle of joy.
I am not entirely sure that we should be surprised by these findings. In the heady days following the birth of our oldest son, Jack, I was often overcome by anxiety, besought by exhaustion and a sense of loneliness I had never before and have not since experienced. Before Jack, it was the two of us, my wife and I – working long hours, coming home and being together, just the two of us. We lived what was essentially a care-free world. If we didn’t feel like cooking, fine. We’d snack or order in or go out. If we wanted to stay in bed for the day or come home after work and veg-out on the couch, so be it. It wasn’t like we had anything else to do.
And then our son came along. I don’t want to say anything corny like his birth was an awakening, but in a way, it was. All of the sudden, sleep became secondary. We took turns with the late-night feedings and I still remember hours spent walking back and forth across the living room of our apartment in the pale, dull light of the moon with Jack in my arms, singing silly songs and feeling my arms cramp from holding him. It was only a couple days after his birth that I had to go back to work, which meant having to leave my newborn son and still-recovering wife and concentrating all day – a near impossible feat for a sleep-addled and homesick man on the edge.
Our marriage was different too. My wife was experiencing biological changes, trying to recover from the absolute trauma of childbirth and dealing with her own anxiety about becoming a mother and all that entails. I was a distant second now. I understood it then as I do now, why it was important to focus all her attention on Jack, but it didn’t rock me any less. All of the sudden everything I knew and took comfort in was gone. I was in the darkness, in the shadows. I couldn’t understand what was happening with my wife, couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of fatherhood and trying to balance what I wanted to do – be with my family – with what I had to do – go to work. All this on little sleep, worse eating habits and without an outlet.
So no, I am not surprised men are proving to suffer from postpartum depression, because welcoming a little one into the world, in addition to being amazing and gratifying, is also a violent shift from a world in which men share the spotlight to one of shifted priority in which we are bit players. It was a little easier with our second son, Dylan, but I think that had to do with having more constants in my life, namely Jack. I may have lost my wife for a little while, but I still had Jack.
Now that we have a third on the way, I wonder how the addition will impact me and my family. I’d like to think my wife and I have things figured out a little better. I’d like to think this transition will be smooth, but adding a person to a relationship – be it between two people or among a family – changes the dynamic and that could lead to postpartum or even just loneliness. Only time will tell, I guess.
I just hope I can remember that song I used to sing in the middle of the night.
Craig Heimbuch is the Editor-in-Chief of ManoftheHouse.com and the author of "Chasing Oliver Hazard Perry." He is a Barefoot Proximity employee.
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