4 Truths About Kids Lying

May 03, 2011, By Steve Kissing 4 comments

Steve Kissing

Kids lie. They just do. In fact, it starts as early as two or three. The motivation? To avoid the time-out chair or the loss of dessert. Avoiding punishment is a natural place for a kid to go, of course. (In fact, according to researchers, the brighter the kid, the earlier they start lying.) As kids age, the lying becomes less about avoiding punishment and more about establishing social status: scoring points with peers and testing the boundaries with parents. So, what’s a dad to do? Here are some tips I’ve gleaned from experience and from tales I’ve heard from friends.

Accept that all kids lie. Children have wonderfully rich imaginations that blur the boundaries of truth and fiction, making it easy for them to fib. Also, to some extent, our social norms and mores encourage lying. Think about it. Our kids often witness us, uh, stretching the truth. (“Aunt Edith, I love the macramé wallet you made me.”) It can be difficult for young minds to discern the difference between a straight-up lie and the little “white” one we adults endorse as a polite part of social behavior.

Reward or praise your child when he or she tells the truth. This is especially important in situations when it would be easy for your kid to lie and get away with it because you don’t have any proof. If, in such cases, your kid insists on his or her innocence, it’s best not to press the matter. If your child has a real problem with truth telling, you won’t have to wait long before he or she lies⎯and you have the evidence to prove it.

Help your child tell the truth. When discussing a dubious situation, stop younger children before they get too deep into their story. Tell them that you want them to tell you what they really saw and know first, and that later they can tell a story about it with elements that they’ve made up or guessed about. For older kids, you might want to give them a little time to think it over. Often, a little “cool your heels time” can work wonders on a child’s guilt.

Remember that not all lying is created equal. Of course, lying about potentially harmful or dangerous situations is never to be taken lightly. In addition, when lying behaviors seem to start happening out of nowhere, it could indicate bigger concerns going on inside your child’s head. For instance, over-the-top lying about social status could be indicative of low self-esteem. Having a sit-down chat under these circumstances is necessary, appropriate and almost certainly helpful. Family counseling could be the next step if serial lying continues.

Most of us grow up into young adults and realize that lying is wrong (unless we’re talking to Aunt Edna) and that it often leads to painful consequences for ourselves and others. But until then, don’t expect perfection on this front. If you think your kids don’t lie, then you’re certainly lying. To yourself.

Whoppers I've told and whoppers I've heard. Share your biggest lie as a kid. Or the biggest one you’ve heard from your own kid.

Comments (4):

Jeff P. Hope - valiant effort to get rid of the evidence, but hey ... at least you have a story worth sharing for many, many years. Cheryl - admire the creativity for your story. Allison - I find it amazing how kids quickly pick up the ability to concoct stories. At two (the same age as my boy) I don't want to think about it as a lie, but also know that I cannot let him get away with the stories either. - 05/11/2011

Allison B. My two year old told me a blatant lie for the first time the other day...his daycare provider told me he had a time out for not playing nicely. When I asked him about it, he not only told me he did not have a time out but said it was, in fact, a different child that had time out. I told him I knew he was lying and that lying was not okay. But, is it wrong that I was both upset by his lie and a little impressed by his ability to concoct a lie at such a young age (seeing as how lying at a younger age can indicate a smarter kid)? - 05/11/2011

Cheryl M. I can't remember what my biggest lie was, but I think the funniest one was when my mother bought me a dollhouse made by the county prisoners when I was around five years old. It was big, and pretty, but apparently (from what my mom tells me), they didn't sand the wood very well, and it was scratching my hands to pieces every time I played with it. So...I decided to break it. When my mom asked me what happened, I told her with no hesitation that a burglar climed through my window (on the second floor), made me sit in the closet and stomped on my dollhouse! - 05/06/2011

Hope N. I flushed not only a banana down the toilet, but the peel as well (don't ask - clearly I was not the brightest child) and said I had finished it. I got away with it until the septic system backed up, and we had to have someone come clear it out, and low and behold, they found a banana peel. My family still laughs about it now. - 05/04/2011