5 Tips for Parenting with Your Ex
December 16, 2011, By Jack Heffron 0 comments
Raising kids is one of the toughest challenges we all face. Raising them after a divorce is even trickier. No doubt you've seen it done well and also seen some disasters.
My ex and I divorced when our kids were still pretty young, and we certainly made our share of mistakes. But we managed to do pretty well under the circumstances, creating a sense of security and stability that helped the kids grow up strong and balanced through a difficult time. I don't pretend to be an expert, but I can pass along five strategies that worked for us.
1. Put the kids first.
Odds are pretty good that you and your ex made a few determined tries at resolving your issues, even after one or both of you had lost hope of a fulfilling relationship. You tried for the sake of the kids. But you found out that this approach rarely ever succeeds. It's tough to make kids the foundation of an adult relationship, and it's not fair to the kids to sling that enormous responsibility across little shoulders.
But after the divorce, that "for the sake of the kids" mindset can be a very good idea. If you're going to be successful parents, you need to make the kids your first priority. The personal stuff between you and your ex—whether it's bad feelings about the breakup, about current financial obligations or living arrangement, whatever—needs to be pushed aside when it comes to taking care of your kids. If you're shaking your head and saying that this is impossible, then you need to find a way to make it possible. Do whatever it takes, even going to couple's therapy with your ex. Yes, the stakes are that high.
2. Respect your ex.
Even if there is still bad blood between you and your ex, you must not show that feeling to the kids. Never. If you show disrespect to your ex, how can you expect the kids to respect her or, for that matter, you? My kids are fortunate to have a great mom, so this one wasn't difficult for me. Despite our personal differences, my ex and I created a unified parental voice for the kids, and they knew better than to speak badly about their mom. At some level, they'll pick up on and appreciate that level of mutual respect.
While it's most important to show this respect for each other to the kids, I think it should be shown in whatever situation. My ex and I definitely had a few wrangles, especially about money, but after a while we reached a point at which we could function well around each other. We would go to the boys' ballgames and to school meetings, all the standard activities, and got along well enough that some other parents were surprised to find out that we were divorced. The only difference seemed to be that at the ballgames and plays we had fewer spats than the married couples.
If the kids might not have been able to express the sense of comfort and stability they gain from this respectful relationship, it was something they could count upon, one of life's certainties. Let them grow up in this type of atmosphere, and you'll find that they treat you and other people with that same respect.
NEXT: Agree upon how decisions will be made
