Only Child Myth

Kristin A. The fact this woman took time to write this article tells us a lot about her and her self centeredness. Ms. Baltes, no one cares that you are an only child and your aticle is boring to say the least. - 09/21/2011

Sharen R. I do feel that if you are an only child, they are going to be spoiled in some way. When I had my first child, yes I gave him nearly anything he wanted based on his behavior. I really don't think it can be helped. As a parent you are going to spoil that child in some way. They are the only one. Who else do you have to spoil? And spoil here isn't always bad. It just means that they may get much of what they want. Time, attention, extra curricular activities, trips, etc. Be real and don't even act like you were raised with 10 kids. Its inevitable to do anything less. - 08/31/2011

Michelle B. My son is going to be an only child. He is almost five. My husband and I went through two years of fertility treatment to get him and after that, my husband said "I'm done." He was an only child and is one of the kindest, most generous people I know. I grew up with a brother I had a terrible relationship with as a child and have no relationship with now. My mom actually told me, that if she and my dad could do it over again, they would have only had one child because the sibling rivalry and bickering in our house was so bad. My son has been in daycare since he was 4 months old (I work full-time) and he is very well socialized. He loves other kids and plays with other kids very well. We have two neighbor children across the street he plays with almost every day and they get along very well. Not all only children grow up selfish and spoiled. For those only-kids who are regretful about not having someone to share elder-care burdens - look at it this way. My mom, of five kids in her family, had almost sole responsibility for caring for her parents when they got old. No one else stepped up. I also have a couple of friends who have lost their siblings - one to suicide, one to leukemia - who are going to shoulder the burden of elder care alone because their siblings aren't there any more. There are no guarantees in life. Just because you have more than one child, it doesn't mean that A. those kids will be friends, as children or as adults; B. the children will band together in times of trouble to support each other - my brother has a substance abuse problem and can barely take care of himself, let alone help me or my parents when we need it, C. keep the kids from being "lonely." I was lonely as a child and I HAD a sibling. He was totally different from me and would never play with me without it devolving into a fight. I got older, found close friends of my own, and that was the end of being lonely. The only other thing I'd like to point out is the high number of high-achieving people who are only children, and the multiple studies that have come out that say that only children tend to be more achievement-oriented and better leaders. I see that already in my own son - he is advanced for his age and has tested as gifted. I don't know, if my focus had been split between him and one or two other kids, if he would have gotten the enrichment he needed as a young child. And to Sean G. - anyone who can't type a simple message on the Internet without using ten foulmouthed words isn't a great example of how kids with siblings are so smart and well-adjusted. If you have siblings, I am glad my son is going to be an only. Too bad your psychologist mom or one of your siblings couldn't teach you how to express yourself without using the f-word. - 06/03/2011

H L. I too am an only child. Both my parents have died. I never liked being an only child and I still don't. If I could change anyone thing in my life it would be to have a sibling. I am well adjusted, intelligent, have a career, friends as well as a husband and family. I was loved by my parents and know how to share. However, I still wish I had one or more siblings to share my life with. It had nothing to do with being an only (my mom had difficulty holding a pregnancy) and I can't change the fact. I don't dwell on it but there are times I long for a sibling. - 04/25/2011

Jan L. It is amazing to read the judgments thrown around here. In my experience, I have found that people who have such negative feelings towards only children end up being people who have grown up with siblings and parents who they hate and the root of their distain of only children stems from being jealous of what they think they missed. Because I am not a "baby machine", I am somehow ruining my daughter’s life? It really is the opposite. We are fiscally responsible parents and raising an incredible person. Her teachers seek me out to let me know what a joy she is. She is friends with everyone and kind and loving to the children in her class who do not have a lot of friends. I am supposed to feel like a bad parent because we are intelligent enough to know that we want to have the ability to provide our daughter with things like a nice home to grow up in, amazing healthcare, family vacations that will let her experience a world outside of her backyard, a college education and give her all the tools she needs to be anything she wants to be. Should we deny her a good life full of opportunities to suceed because certain individuals in society feel like she should have siblings? It is just irresponsible and lazy parenting if anyone thinks that bringing more children in this world is the only way to teach a child BASIC social skills. There are far more adults in the U.S. who should NOT have one child, let alone multiple. Considering today's economy, why adults who live on food stamps and government support who earn no income and have no insurance, continue to have child after child boggles my mind. But wait, I am sure those kids will be more well-rounded later in life after a childhood spent with parents who cannot afford the basic needs of their children. How is it possible that she is an only child and not self-centered & depressed & lonely? Because, as parents, we took the time to teach her that being a good person and caring about others is extremely important. Snobby, rotten, selfish and terrible people are products of terrible parenting or mental health issues, so please do not try to pass the blame off on something as simple as the lack of siblings. As the commenter so elegantly put it, “rotten kids need to be beaten until they learn.” Nice. Children come into this world as a blank slate. They become who they are because of their parents. Parenting is not easy and having a bunch of children to do the job for you is not the answer. - 04/07/2011

Melissa Z. I'm an only child as well and I have to agree with the commenter that stated the only thing she regrets is being the only caretaker of aging parents. That is my situation as well. I'm being faced with the being the only caretaker of my divorced parents and having to step in and help with my husband's family. Not cool. As an only, I did get to do many things that my friends did not, simply because there were more resources available. I wasn't spoiled with "things" but experiences. And experiences are what counts, right? - 04/05/2011

Matt F. I think that there is some truth to the only child myth. Just as there is some truth to most stereotypes. But like most other stereotypes, there is a very wide range of differences among a large population and though an only child may come into situations with a different set of experiences, this has both positive and negative potential. I think the important thing to remember is that people are people and we should all accept each other as equals and worthy of friendship or fellowship, until there is some reason to act otherwise. - 03/30/2011

Nancy M. I didn't get beyond "I have shuttered to announce" in this article. It's "shuddered." This is a professional writer? Sad. - 03/22/2011

Naoma F. Our daughter was an only child. Had my "tubes tied" after the birth because one was all we wanted. She is a wonderful person. Grown up now. She never wanted a "puppy" or a brother or sister, and neither did we. She had a great education, took dancing, won prizes in speech and acting, skied, is a Scuba Dive Master, and has a successful marriage (no, she wants no children). Also, she went to Oxford. She is not spoiled and has no religious background, but is the most unprejudiced person I know. - 03/09/2011

Sean G. For every single "CENTERED" only-child there are 50 spoiled rotten mother f**ks that need to be beaten daily until they learn. I am not saying there arent good single children but as someone who's wife deals with children all day and a mother who is a child psychologist as well as 2 aunts who are psychologists they will all agree that single child families will bring more harm than good. Just like a dog where the dog is the only animal around he doesnt learn social skills, children need to learn these social skills and if you think its easier now to raise an only child its much harder. The numbers back it up that an only child is now 200-500% more likely to get into trouble than a child coming from a family with multiple children compared to when your said study frm 1896 was done. The reason for this is because family's had to raise their children in groups and look after each other so it was as if they had multiple brothers and sisters because they were all treated the same by a large group of adults where as they are individualized now by the stay at home mom and the working dad. Only children are spoiled rotten pieces' of shi* most off the time and you will have to do a lot of research and studys to prove otherwise. - 02/28/2011

Kristi W. I am an only child of middle class parents, and while I was indulged to a degree, I certainly wasn't spoiled. My parents did a fantastic job of giving me a ton of love and all of the support and guidance that I believe every child deserves. Being an only child actually gave me a very healthy self esteem, confidence and a grounding that has served me well into my adulthood. It also, I believe, contributed to my accelerated performance at school. I will say this though, I have two children, both girls, and because I'm an only, I struggle to understand the whole sibling dynamic at times...lol They love each other, they hate each other, best friends, mortal enemies...what will it be today? I'm learning more and more every day! - 02/25/2011

Sam B. I'd give anything not to have the (older, male) sibling I was forced to endure. Some of the nastiest pieces of work come from big families full of competition, drama, and dysfunction. Some of the nicest, grounded and most interesting people I've known in life have been only children. They are also well-loved and loving. I instinctively gravitate towards them personally and professionally. Congrats to their parents, whom I suspect were put under the typical ignorant, nosy American microscope for stepping outside the norm. - 02/21/2011

M S. It's not a stereotype at all... I only know two only children and one of them is craziest most spoiled attention- hogging person i have ever met, and the other is not like that but i really really needy and depressed and lonely. Both people you just can't stand to be around. Go figure. I would never have just one kid, even if I had to adopt!!!!!! - 02/20/2011

Terri W. This was a nice change from the drivel that is usually written about Onlies. I too am an only, and having grown up in a fairly standard, decent, loving, working class family, I didn't want for much and i was well-loved but I resent the implications i have received from others about how I must have been 'sheltered" and "spoiled." The only thing I regret is that I am the only one carrying the responsibility of an aging parent. My mother has been gone for going on five years and I have only my dad. Relatives are distant and my dad is who I consider my family. I wish I had someone else who understood how this is and could help me with the dark hole I often find myself stumbling in. That aside, I have no regrets about being an only child. What surprises me though, is how often fellow *adults* will ask me "Oh, you're an only child? Are you spoiled?" I usually blow them off. I stopped answering that stupid question when I was twelve. Thank you for the nice article. - 02/05/2011

Alex H. My best friend since middle school is an only child, of very well-off parents (his father was a dean at a first-tier private university, and later provost of another, and his mother is a clinical psychologist). He's not self-centered, just plain centered -- one of the most reasonable, sensible members of my generation I've ever known. - 02/05/2011

Kim L. I have an "only" child. My husband was 48 and I was 41 when she was born - we were told not to expect children (after testing) so when she announced herself on the end of the pg stick - it was quite a surprise. She was born healthy and we are very blessed - but are not having a sibling for her. We took care of that within three months after her arrival. I am a stay at home mom and her father has a lot of time with her at home so she gets a LOT of attention. She is 2.5 years old and she has attended 'nursery' program in our church for a year now. When I mentioned that she was an only child - the other parents and caregivers said to me, "so - we should work with her on sharing skills." I just shrugged and said, "If she needs it." There were a few times that I was called into the nursery to discipline my child. She either pushed someone or hit someone or "wouldn't share." So, I offered to volunteer one Sunday per month to just see first hand how my daughter was behaving and this is what I found: My daughter was happy to share any toy with others. She willingly asked others if they wanted to "play" with her. It was another child that walked up to my daughter and grabbed a toy away from her that caused my daughter to react in a loud lament. The teacher in the room asked her what was wrong and my daughter (who is quite verbal) explained that the other child took her toy away. The teacher then reprimanded my daughter by saying to her, "remember - we need to share!" Another example: My daughter was playing with a puzzle at the table. Content, quiet, nicely. Another child sat down beside my daughter and started taking the puzzle pieces and playing with them. My daughter told the child that the pieces were "her" pieces (since she was completing the puzzle - I had to agree that they were "her" pieces). The other child then hit my daughter on the head. My daughter did not know how to react - she just sat there. I waited. My daughter showed no reaction except a brief, stunned look, and then continued to do the puzzle. At no reaction from my daughter after hitting her - the other child pinched my daughter on the hand and my child "screamed loudly" at the attack. The teacher, once again, chastised my daughter for screaming. My daughter told her the other child pinched her and the teacher told my daughter to move away from the child. My daughter moved away. When my daughter got up to put the puzzle away the other child grabbed the puzzle out of my daughter's hand and in doing that "suprise move" caused my daughter to stumble. My daughter stumbled 'into' the other child. The other child shoved my daughter - and my daughter shoved him back. The teacher reprimanded my daughter for pushing others and not sharing her puzzle when she was done with it. I shared my concern about what I was observing with the nursery staff and when I was met with tsks about my "only child" and being an "over-protective mother" - I removed my child from the nursery program and attend another church where the supervision is a lot better trained and the attention paid to all of the behavior by all of the children is monitored in a more fair and correct manner. My point is this - that my daughter, having no siblings, was more than willing to share her toys and play nicely with others. it wasn't my daughter who grabbed toys from others and who hit and pinched others if she didn't get what she wanted - it was the other children who behaved that way toward her...who all had siblings. Hmmm... My "personal study" reveals that my daughter was not the aggressor. Perhaps because she doesn't have siblings who take her toys away on a regular basis and who hit and shove her because they want their own way, my daughter never learned HOW to hit, shove, & pinch others! Since adults and older cousins/family friends did not assault my daughter for her toys - she never learned to keep them to herself. She had no problem sharing. Maybe children naturally socialize and want to share toys if they are "singles" and we just assume as adults - based on an antiquated study from the 1800's - that "singles are selfish." Just some food for thought :) - 01/31/2011