Secrets for Short-Circuiting a Temper Tantrum

November 18, 2010, By 5 comments

Secrets for Short-Circuiting a Temper Tantrum

I’ve seen some scary things in my life, and that’s just on Jersey Shore. But nothing prepared me for the first time my son had a full-fledged temper tantrum.

Wow.

My little angel had completely lost his mind, screaming at the top of his lungs, and I didn’t know what to do. I felt helpless, a bit confused, and definitely unprepared.

Fortunately, my wife has dealt with children most of her life and actually knows what she’s doing, and was willing to teach me. So I’ll share her secrets for dealing with tantrums, which have worked wonders.

The first thing you need to know about tantrums is that they’re completely normal. While kids vary in temperaments, most will start testing their boundaries as they grow older. Between the ages of 2-4, they’re more likely to seek independence and when they run into resistance, they’re likely to have a tantrum. Other children act out because they are frustrated tackling new skills, tired, stressed, having a tough time or for several other reasons.

And since they don’t yet have coping skills, they get upset.

Temper tantrums are a natural thing, so don’t be alarmed - no matter how scary it first seems. Your response will shape what happens next - you can either create a little monster or you can use the opportunity to teach your child valuable coping skills.

Avoiding Temper Tantrums

Stick to a schedule. Children find comfort in routine. They feel safe knowing what’s going to happen next and who they’ll be spending time with. Taking your child out of his or her comfort zone can be traumatic (though some kids, like some adults, pretty much go with the flow). If your child is a stickler for a schedule, try to keep to a routine and avoid introducing too many new people at once. Schedules are especially important for sleeping. Make sure your toddler goes to bed and naps at the same time each day. Tired children become cranky children, increasing the odds for a meltdown.

Avoid stress. Most adults have trouble with stress. Imagine how difficult it would be if you didn’t have words to express your frustration or ability to cope. While you’re able to find a way to blow off some steam (like shooting your friends in the latest Call of Duty video game), children don’t have an outlet. Not to mention, they’re also horrible at first person shooters. Know how your child reacts to places and situations and try to avoid those which will stress them out.

Don’t overreact. Be calm. Children thrive on your responses - good and bad. Do not give them the pleasure of pushing your buttons. Be calm (or at least put on a good act). If you’re frothing at the mouth, you’re teaching your child that it’s okay to freak out when things don’t go your way.

Distract. Most children are easily distracted. If you’re able to turn their attention to something else, you might be able to short circuit a temper tantrum early on.

Ask your child to use their words. Children become even more frustrated when they don’t know the right words to explain how they feel. This frustration can lead to angry outbursts. If your child can speak, help him or her figure out the right words to explain how they feel. Tell them you understand and it’s okay to feel the feelings they have. If they aren't talking yet, talk to them in a soothing voice, let them know it’s okay to feel this way and help guide them through their frustration.

Don’t give in. Some children, and by some I mean most, will figure out early on that if they whine, mommy and daddy are more likely to give them what they want. Resist rewarding whining or temper tantrums with attention (which kids love), toys or treats, this will only make things harder as they get older.

Time out. Removing your child from a situation is the best way to stop a temper tantrum cold. But if they press on, warn them that they will get a time out if they don’t stop the offending behavior. If the tantrum continues, take them to a quiet spot, away from others and the TV. Time out should last one minute for each year. If they act out or get up, the clock re-sets. Once time-out is over, ask your child to tell you why they were in time out (to make sure he or she understands) ask them for an apology, and then forgive and hug them to let them know you still love them. One warning - children younger than two may not understand the concept of “time out” so this shouldn’t be used on them as it will only have a negative effect.

Sometimes, no matter what you do, temper tantrums can get worse and become a real nightmare.

When To Seek Help

If your child doesn’t respond to the above suggestions, or harms others, then you should talk with your child’s doctor to rule out any medical issues.

What are your secrets for short-circuiting a temper tantrum? Tell us below.

Comments (5):

Johnny M. No, Sig F. (Sigmund Freud or coincidence?) They are not child abuse at all, if we are talking about kids with detachment disorder, or attachment/ego disorders. The most literal way to describe what he is talking about is probably a concept few are truly interpersonally familiar with.... But it essentially is intellectually and emotionally similar to the destructive ego loss experienced by adults lost in the all-out chaos of a very intense, very strong "bad psychedelic trip." All sense of self evaporates. Language disappears. You may be able to understand brief statements from people but forming an answer is impossible because the attention span literally resets at Zero or "Starting Fresh," every few seconds....sort of like if you were violently aroused awake from a deep slumber quickly, and everything that you were just thinking about for all of the previous 3 seconds is totally wiped clean in an instant, and you have to start fresh on a whole new set of thoughts that may or may not be even remotely close to the prior set of thoughts. This process is incredibly unnerving and causes all loss of your normal "metadata"--things like who you are, who you trust, how to speak, how you should be acting, what consequences to ones actions are liable to be, faith-if any, etc.... Its really unimaginable if you aren't there as an adult, or you havent experienced a child in the grips of this type of disorder-based tantrum.... Its almost always liable to result in such extreme anxiety, paranoia, absolute terror, and feelings of persecution and hatred that, in order to protect the child and any people around the child, the way DG described is all that can be done. Its somewhat irrelevant in the context of this article, but nevertheless, he did prequalify it with the explanation of what kinds of disorders the kids have, and that they are not ordinary. They are based on the panicky loss of who the self is, and therefore, all that makes them human. A very different and very sad and unnerving experience to go through on either side. - 05/16/2011
K G. I always reacted by calmly whispering to my kids. They couldn't figure out what I was saying while they were screaming. Fortunately, their curiosity got the better of them. - 05/10/2011
Sig F. The method described by DG is child abuse, don't employ this method. Could you imagine being restrained in this way when you are upset?--it feels the same way for a child. Most tantrums occur because parents are neglecting the simple needs of their child, like hunger, rest, individual attention, etc. You must carefully plan a child's day, and then there will be no tantrums. - 05/09/2011
D G. One can learn how to deal with extreme, destructive tantrums from the techniques employed at the Evergreen Center, Near Denver. They deal with kids with attachment disorders. One can discern the different between a angry tantrum where the child is angry but "together," and a terrified rage, where the self is fragmenting, literally "coming ungluded." Intervention through words doesn't work there --indeed, they're too disorganized to attend to words. They need tight holding until the rage abates. Constrain the child enough that they cannot bite, kick or hit. Ignore swearing or spit. With consistency & firmness, this technique works. As the storm lessens soothing reassurances that things will feel better in a while are also helpful. After the child reintegrates his self structure help him find the words to describe what happened. Help him link the cycle of frustration, aggravation, anger, rage, falling apart, letting it all out, and calming down, then feeling o.k. again. This will help him orient himself & not feel so panic-flooded through the process. If he doesn't outgrow this by age 5, see a Therapist who specializes in early childhood disorders. - 03/11/2011
Tracy M. I'm not good at stopping them... but I'll tell you this, stop it NOW, before they get older... because it just gets worse!! Take it from someone who didn't do this. - 01/08/2011

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