When Only One Spouse Wants Kids

May 28, 2010, By Staff Writer 9 comments

First comes love, then comes marriage. But what do you do when one of you doesn’t see a baby carriage in your future?

It’s common to disagree on the number of kids you want to have. But if one spouse decides the number of kids they want is zero, it can be a problem. Being a parent is a rewarding experience, but there may be many reasons why you and your spouse don’t see eye-to-eye on the subject.

Here, we discuss some common issues contributing to the differences in opinions and provide possible ways for you to handle the situation.

The issue:

• It’s the timing. You may be at a time in your lives and your marriage when it’s too soon for children. Maybe one of you has just started a job or your employment is too time consuming to contemplate caring for another human being. One of you may feel like you don’t have what is needed to start raising a family. It could be that your living space is too small, your jobs aren’t stable enough or you’re just too young.

The solution:

• There’s nothing wrong with waiting until your lives are more stable and you’re ready to care for a child. In fact, it’s the best thing you could do for you, your spouse and your baby. If the timing just isn’t right, the first step is to talk to your spouse about when the timing could be right. Talk about the circumstances you’d prefer and set goals you’d like to accomplish before having a child—moving into a bigger space, having more financial security, being older. When you meet some of those goals, revisit the discussion. It may be that having a child is the right thing for you, but having one right now isn’t.

The issue:

• One of you isn’t ready. Having a child is a long-term commitment and one that both of you should be comfortable and happy making. You can’t take a baby home, test it out for a few days and return it if you decide it’s not for you. Are you ready for waking up before dawn and dirty diapers? A child will be dependent on you for many things, making it even more important that both of you are ready to accept the challenge and are willing and able to give your baby 100 percent. Are you ready for the changes in your relationship that are bound to come with a child?

The solution:

• Making a pet a part of the family could be the first step to enlarging your family. In many ways, caring for a pet is similar to caring for a child. Both require your time and love and their presence can bring happiness into your lives. Think of a cat or dog as your trial “baby” to see if you’re ready for being responsible for another living thing. You may find that caring for someone else—besides your spouse—is exactly what you need. Or you could realize that having a child is a step you’re not ready to take.

The issue:

• You already have children and one of you doesn’t want more. It may be an inability—emotionally or financially— to care for another child.

The solution:

• You don’t want to bring a child into a world where they may be seen as an extra burden. If you feel like you already have your hands full, adding another mouth to feed and diaper to change into the mix is likely not the solution. Your children deserve 100 percent effort from you so it’s important to realize when you’re being stretched too thin. Articulate your concerns to your spouse. If the issue is solely a financial one, discuss whether or not you’re able and willing to dial down your lifestyle to make room for another bundle of joy.

The issue:

• Perhaps your children are older and you don’t want more. Although children have brought tremendous joy into your lives, one of you feels its time to find other means of happiness. One of you may miss the hustle and bustle of a busy household while the other enjoys the calm of an empty nest.

The solution:

• Your child may be far from their cute baby phase, but just because they’re older—and possibly out of the house—doesn’t mean your lives have to be childless. Offer to baby-sit little ones for friends or family or volunteer to mentor kids in your area.

Deciding whether or not to bring a child into your life is a serious matter and one that should be discussed thoroughly and thoughtfully. If you and your spouse don’t see eye-to-eye, the key to dealing with the issue is honest communication. It’s important to be honest with your spouse—and yourself—about whether you want a child, your ability to care for and support one and the reasoning for your decision. Be sure what you ultimately decide is something you both are satisfied with.

Parenting is a satisfying adventure, but it’s not for everyone. You may find that your lives together can be just as fulfilling without a child.