Why Men Don't Cry
June 27, 2011, By Dr. Helen Fisher 2 comments
Big boys don’t cry. It’s true. Everywhere in the world, from the United States, to Sweden, India, China and Japan, men are less likely to shed tears than women. And although many women call men’s lack of emotional expression stunted or emotionally stingy, men’s “emotional containment,” as scientists call it, evolved for important reasons.
For millions of years, men had two vital jobs: protecting the little hunting/gathering band; and killing ferocious animals for dinner. Crying was an occupational hazard. How could a weeping man aim his spear at a charging lion, slit the throat of a baby gazelle, raid an enemy camp or stab a marauder in the heart? Men needed exceptional vision—and the appearance of invulnerability—to do their work. As a result, men have evolved the capacity to keep their feelings to themselves.
Biology helps. Little boys cry just as often as little girls. But as testosterone floods the male brain in early teenage, young men begin to camouflage their feelings of fear, sadness and vulnerability with silence. And they become fluent in “joke speak,” all the quips, gags and seemingly nonchalant remarks that boys and men employ to mask their emotions. Many even drive their feelings into their unconscious. They don’t know how they feel—testosterone has put on the breaks.
As a result, men are particularly uncomfortable during heated “relationship” conversations. Faced with a partner’s negative feelings, a man often becomes mute—fleeing into stormy silence. Known as “stone walling,” this response is another adaptation. Men are more physically sensitive to discord than women are. Their autonomic nervous system triggers faster, with adrenaline and stress hormones revving them up for “fight” or “flight.” Many also experience “emotional flooding.” Their heart pounds; their blood pressure rises; they sweat; their breathing quickens; their muscles tense, and they burst into irrational fury or debilitating sorrow. Once aroused, men also recover from these bodily insurrections more slowly than women. So scientists now think that men “stonewall” spousal quarrels to preserve their health.
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