5 Ways to Remain Calm Around the Family
October 01, 2011, By Craig J. Heimbuch 0 comments
I'm usually a pretty cool-headed guy. I'm not a pushover. But usually when a problem arises, I'll get upset for two minutes then calmly set about finding a solution. I'm not a yeller. I'm not a screamer. I'm more likely to say something like "you've got to be kidding me," then get over myself and solve the issue.
But there's something about a disagreement with my wife. I can't fix them the way I can at work. I feel this boiling in the pit of my stomach. I get upset. I try not to raise my voice or act in frustration. Time was, I might lose my cool for a minute or two, walk away and calm down. Not violent. Not threatening. Just frustrated.
Before we had kids that tact would work. But when you've got little ears and eyes running around, it becomes so much more important to remain composed. You can't give in to your frustration and yell, you can't use bad, disrespectful language. You've got to keep your wits about you. I learned this lesson when my wife and I were arguing one night and our son started crying in his bed. The thing is, we weren't even arguing about anything important. It was something tiny—like taking out the trash. Neither one of us was all that upset, but in an effort to stomp on each other's point, we probably rose above a whisper.
It scared him.
Him being scared, scared me too. I didn't want him thinking that his mom and dad were fighting. I didn't want him to feel afraid. I didn't want him to suffer from any kind of anxiety because I wasn't smart enough to control (at least my end of) the conversation.
We all get upset. We all get frustrated. We all feel like we might explode. It's natural. But you understand the nuance, the context, the eventual resolution that will come. Your kids don't. They don't understand that two people can love each other and still disagree about something. That's why it's important to keep a few things in mind the next time you feel a fight coming on, a few techniques that will protect your children from your bad day and may go a long way to improving your marriage.
1. Compartmentalize - When an issue with my wife remains focused on a specific issue, we usually keep pretty cool. We say what we want to say and usually come to a pretty quick resolution. It's when we bring other things that are bothering us into the mix that the discussion gets heavy. Try to keep to the issue at hand. There are ways to work through other problems and better places and times to do it.
2. Walk Away - I don't mean storm off and slam a door. That doesn't help anyone. I mean having an understanding with your wife that if either of you feels like things are going south, you'll let each other walk away before the kids see or hear something you don't want them to. The important part here is that you actually do come back to the issue. Don't walk away and let things fester. Walk away, cool off and come back to the conversation when the kids are asleep or at school with a better understanding of where the other is coming from and a spirit of resolution.
NEXT: Have Perspective
