Get Personal: Apologizing to Your Wife
August 19, 2011, By Craig J. Heimbuch 1 comment
I used to be a serial apologizer, begging forgiveness for transgressions ranging from calling off sick from work to asking for a clean fork from the waitress at Bob Evans. I'm over that now and learned how not to apologize. But beating my compulsive if unnecessary apologetics does not mean there are not times when I am genuinely wrong and need to make amends. (Take the double-negative in that last sentence for example. I was wrong. Forgive me.) There are still plenty of times I screw up and, while I'm less likely to apologize to a complete stranger, there are people who deserve the respect of my repentance.
My wife is one of those people.
I know that apologizing to their wives gives a lot guys acid reflux, but I contend that a well-played, fully intentioned apology delivered at the right moment can score more points for a husband than any amount of dishes, laundry, flowers and remote control surrendering can ever do.
Take a situation we had here last week...
My wife was out of town with the kids, visiting friends then visiting her parents. She was all by herself with three kids, forced to carry everything on her own, to tend to every need, wish or want hurled at her by our children and unable to sleep in her own bed, sit on her own sofa, raid her own fridge. She called me at work with a very simple question. (So simple, I can't remember what it was.)
She caught me at a bad time. I was late for a meeting for which I had not prepared. I was flustered and her call annoyed me more than it should have. I snapped at her. I said something mean and short and hung up before I heard her out. I was completely in the wrong and knew it within moments—once the blind, harried fury of the moment had cleared. I knew I needed to apologize.
There are a few ways to go here. The rookie—newly married or otherwise unwise to the ways of the wife—might call back immediately and beg for forgiveness. This is wrong for a couple of reasons: a) she's probably just revving up in terms of being mad or hurt and b) you're not in a position to mean it. You don't want to catch your wife as her anger is building. It's counter-intuitive. You think you want to cut her off at the pass. No sir. Wrong idea. You want her to get through those initial stages of rage on her own and just begin settling into a festering ire. That's when your apology will have the greatest impact. Plus, you were just angry or flustered enough to have yelled at her a minute ago, so you're in no shape to mean it. Calling back right away will come across as insincere, and you'll probably resent the fact that she doesn't jump to peaches and cream just because you uttered the words 'I'm sorry.' You'll get frustrated again. You'll still be late to your meeting and you'll say more hurtful things.
The only thing calling back immediately does is turn an unfortunate situation into a terrible one.
The other way you can go is to be obstinate, say 'forget it' and hide behind your false bravado and ego. Equally bad idea. Especially if she brings it up later. If she has to call you hours later and bring it up and you either a) refuse to apologize or b) blurt out some obligatory and meaningless spew of false platitudes, you're too late. You're a bigger jerk for that than you were for snapping in the first place. Not cool man. Not cool at all.
What an experienced married guy knows is that timing, intention and mental state are everything when it comes to apologizing to your wife. I waited until my head and my schedule were clear. I called her and when she answered, I could tell she had been hurt by the way I acted. I confronted it head-on, recognizing what I did wrong, acknowledging that it was wrong and apologized before she had a chance to bring it up. I was proactive without jumping the gun. I was humble without groveling. She accepted and we moved on from there.
Have enough respect for your wife to apologize when you do something wrong and enough for yourself to really mean what you say. It will make all the difference.
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