Dealing With Your Mother-In-Law
August 18, 2010, By Josh Katzowitz 14 comments
A few months after one of our closest couple friends had their first child, we went to visit. Her mother had set up permanent residence in their household to help care for the baby, so we decided to make it a day trip and not spend the night. It was a nice afternoon. The baby girl was cute as could be. We ate good food and had a good time. Sounds perfect, right? Well, not exactly.
The husband had been having problems with the mother-in-law. Not just minor annoyances, the kind where you shake your head and roll your eyes in exasperation before leaving the room just to get away. No, there were shouting matches, and there was a household where, at any minute, the water could boil over the edge of the pot and ruin everything.
It was frustrating, I’m sure, for everybody involved.
When my wife had our twins, the plan called for my mother-in-law, Susan, to stay with us for the first few months as we adjusted to our new family of four and as we prepared to move to a different city. I get along well with my in-laws – I encounter the same minor annoyances any spouse would eventually have with their wife’s parents, but it’s not a big deal – so I didn’t worry about how our new setup would work.
And I was right. We’re about four months in, and for the most part, everything has gone smoothly. Surprisingly, I haven’t been annoyed at all by our long-standing house guest – though it’s helped that she’s returned to her home three times for at least week-long vacations during this process – and she’s been absolutely wonderful with our kids while helping out with the housework my wife and I can’t finish.
So, I’m the lucky one.
But as I watched my buddy grow more frustrated with his mother-in-law, I couldn’t help but wonder about her experiences. Was she tired of being in a strange city? Was she homesick? Was she ready for a break from the crying and pooping and constant feeding? Was she the one annoyed by my buddy?
I wanted to get my mother-in-law’s perspective. I wanted to know how she felt after agreeing to move to a different city for about five months to help us care for the babies. I wanted to know if she was annoyed by me. I wanted to walk in her shoes for a while. I interviewed her with my wife, feeding one of the kids, lurking nearby.
“I’m enjoying my time here, but it’s also out of my environment,” Susan said. “It’s not as comfortable as when you’re at home.”
My wife chimed in, pointing out that Susan lives on the top floor of the house, where she has her own room, walk-in closet, bathroom and central air conditioning: “But you have your own room and bathroom.”
“Yes, I do,” Susan said. “But the bed isn’t the same. The bathroom isn’t the same.”
“But you have your own level.”
At this point, Susan grinned and ignored her daughter. “I try not to be a pest or in the way. Which is not easy to do all the time.”
My father-in-law has been at our house for maybe half of the time, which certainly makes for a more crowded residence. With him here, though, they had their own car. Without him here, she has no car.
With a car, she can drive to the grocery store every day – which she does and which I’ll never understand. With a car, she can go to the movies or to a restaurant with her husband. With a car, she can escape for a little while.
“But we go out,” my wife insisted.
“We do go out, but only when you want to,” Susan said. “I’ve been wanting to go to the grocery store to get watermelon for the past week.”
Perhaps the biggest annoyance my friend had with his mother-in-law was her less than subtle suggestions on how to raise their child. That, in effect, really pissed him off after a while. It doesn’t matter how many children his mother in law had raised, he wasn’t interested in her opinions about what was best for his kid.
Susan somehow resists those urges.
“I have no objections to the way she’s handling her children, but I’d tell her if I did,” Susan said. “If there was something that was bothering me, I would. At the beginning, I felt the babies needed cardigans. She got upset with me, because I told her they needed to be warmer. Eventually, she put them on.”
Overall, though, Susan says, “I don’t have any problems. I’m comfortable here.”
Luckily for me, the feeling is mutual.
But we can all learn something from our friends’ discomfort. Yes, the mother-in-law can be ridiculous, she can push you to the edge of the room and to the edge of your sanity, and she can make life a lot more hellish than it needs to be.
But get her side of the story. More than likely, the new arrangement isn’t exactly ideal for her either. Maybe she’s annoyed by you and your idiosyncrasies.
Perhaps you’re the one who’s the jerk.
Josh Katzowitz lives in Atlanta and covers the NFL for CBSSports.com. He is a featured contributor to ManoftheHouse.com and author of the book, Bearcats Rising. He's currently working on a book about pro football that is scheduled to be released in 2012.
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