Dr. Helen Fisher: The Secret to Making a Marriage Work

Transcript: Helen: How can a man make a happy marriage? How can any of us make a happy marriage? Well, I think that there’s the usual tips: communicate with her, talk to her, get her perspective on the issue. Then there’s the household chores: taking out the garbage, picking up the kids, putting your socks in the hamper. I think an important one is making decisions as a team instead of unilaterally and of course people will always say “Go off and do some things together.” I think we’ve all heard these tips. I think they’re good tips for both men and women but I’d like to add a little anthropology to this, a little basic science. When it comes to communication, men and women tend to define intimacy differently. Women regard intimacy as face-to-face talking. When we’re having an intimate conversation with a girlfriend, we swivel until we’re face to face, we do what’s called the anchoring gaze, and we talk. And I think that comes from millions of years of holding that baby in front of your face, controlling it, reprimanding it, educating it with words. Men tend to get intimacy differently. They tend to get intimacy from side-by-side doing. In fact, two men can sit in front of a television set on a Sunday afternoon and have a perfectly wonderful time and almost never talk with each other and I think this comes from our past, too. For millions of years, men spend a lot of their time sitting, almost in a row, behind a bush, looking over those grasslands, trying to decide when to hit that buffalo in the head with a rock. So, men, for millions of years have faced their enemies and sat side by side with their friends and when a woman comes up to a man and stares him in the face, men will often be shy, they’ll turn away, they’ll turn their head, they’ll look down. They’ll even turn their whole bodies away because they feel invaded. But women feel evaded. And so, if you really want to have a good conversation with a woman, swivel ‘til you’re face to face with her, do that anchoring gaze and talk. Then, the thing about the chores around the house. I’ve actually done a study recently and men do want to do the chores around the house. In fact, men who make an awful lot more money than their wives do are very willing to do the chores around the house, but they don’t listen to the details, and in fact, women are all about details, particularly in the nest. So, if she asked you to take your empty cereal bowl and put it in the dishwasher instead of the sink, do it. To her, this means that you love her and that you respect her. And in fact, psychologists have now found out that there’s a real payoff for this. Not only do you have a happy bride, but men who honor household etiquette, actually have more sex. A third important thing, I think, it what scientists call “date time,” going off and doing something with your partner. And if you’re going to go do something with your partner, do it at least every other week, hopefully every week, but certainly every other week, and go and do things that you used to do when you courted one another. But do something that’s new, interesting, adventurous, exciting. Anything that’s novel drives up dopamine in the brain and can push you over that threshold, and her over that threshold, into feelings of intense romantic love. And also, kiss her, hug her. Even the slightest bit of touch on a man or a woman drives up oxytocin in the brain and can give you that feeling of attachment to them. So, I’m going to close with this. Every single partnership is different. Each one has its joys and its sorrows and no scientist has the formula for true happiness. But, there are some things that we do know. Ever since the year 2000, and I think I’ve said this to you before, men have been more eager to build a long, solid, stable relationship with a woman and in fact, we know about about both sexes. Both men and women are really attracted to somebody who loves them, So, I’m really going to close with a quote from the Roman poet Ovid, who said, “To be loved, be lovable.” Thank you.