Effective Communication Techniques in Your Marriage

June 09, 2010, By Karl Withakay 1 comment

You're watching TV. Your wife picks this time to talk about something serious. (You're not alone here, buddy; many women do this.) She finally asks, "Are you listening to me?" Do you know what she just said? It's OK. While she brings you a blanket and pillow for the night you'll be spending on the couch, read on.

We'll have this fixed in no time.

Hearing vs. listening. There's a difference between hearing what your wife is saying and actually listening to what she is saying. If she's yelling, of course, you can hear her; even the neighbors can hear her. But you have to listen, too. I know it's easier said than done, but remove all potential distractions and focus on the words she is saying.

Eye contact. Don't be staring at the TV or have your nose in a magazine while your wife is talking to you. Look her in the eye. Eye contact with her is a powerful nonverbal way to let her know that you are listening.

Reflective listening. You want to get the credit you deserve for listening to her. A good way to let her know that you are listening is by repeating some of what she says to you. If she tells you that you never pay attention to her, say something like, "So you feel that I don't listen to you or I'm not attentive enough." That statement lets her know that you not only hear what she is saying but that you are listening as well.

Arguments. Arguments and verbal fights are normal in a marriage. Think about what an argument is. The whole point of an argument is to reach some sort of resolution. The resolution will be better reached if you keep the volume and tone of your voice soft and calm. If your pulse starts racing and you raise your voice, it's likely to have a ripple effect. She'll start yelling back, you will have a screaming match, and it's not likely that you'll reach any resolution. In fact, you'll probably deepen the conflict.

Elaborate. If she asked you something, don't just answer yes or no; elaborate a bit. That will show that you're listening and that you care about what she asked you. If she asks you something like, "Do you think we should get a math tutor for Junior," don't just say yes or no. Ask her something like, "What area of math does he have the most trouble in?" Even if you know you're going to approve it or shoot it down, if you elaborate a bit, that will let her know you're listening.

You'll find that if you can practice decent communication skills with your wife, a lot of conflicts will work themselves out and new ones will not show up as much. Now...what did I just say?