Get Your Wife to Speak Your Language

August 21, 2010, By 15 comments

Get Your Wife to Speak Your Language

If you're like a lot of married guys, you don't need to be reminded about men being from Mars or women from Venus. Chances are that you're all too familiar with the feeling that you and your wife are from different worlds. When married people start noticing their fundamental differences, it can lead to a breakdown in communication.

Try not to get frustrated when it seems like your wife isn't speaking the same language as you. Forget about trying to change who you are, and don't be tempted to blame her for not changing who she is. The way to have a successful marriage is through communication, common ground and understanding. Here are some pointers to guide you in the right direction.

Focus on the feeling to get past the disagreement. Rather than ending up in an endless back and forth, forget about the issue for a minute. Instead, think about how you feel she's acting toward you and ask her if that's how she feels about you. If you think she's being unfair, ask her if she thinks you're being unfair. Switching the focus to that shared feeling can help your wife see things from your point of view.

Don't play the blame game. It's important to accept the fact that there's a two-way street between you and your wife. If you think she doesn't make enough of an effort to see things from your point of view, you have to ask yourself if you're making an effort to see it her way.

She won't always understand you (but that's OK). Realize nobody can wave a magic wand to make you and your wife completely understand each other all the time. Many couples have an extremely close friendship and do almost everything together before they're married. Once you've tied the knot, you may begin to notice that you're not as alike as you once thought.

Nope, she's not just like "one of the guys." It seems obvious, but some guys get fooled into thinking their wife will be as excited about all of their interests and hobbies as they are. Don't be surprised when you find out that she's not just like "one of the guys." Sooner or later you'll realize that she might be going along with some of your interests just to make you happy.

Swallow your pride (at least sometimes). Rather than feel offended if you find out she's not as into your favorite hobby as you thought, appreciate the effort she put into making you happy. Swallow your pride and try to take part in some of her hobbies, too, even if you might be a little put off at first. While you're not going to be trying on makeup with her, you could try baking a recipe together.

The two-way street. If either of you is always giving everything and getting nothing in return, there's going to be bitterness. The best marriages are built on compromise. You knew you were going to have to give and take for your marriage to work, now it's time to make it happen.

Comments (15):

Thomas M. Who cares about the article? You have the greatest name on earth. - 09/21/2011
Jackie O. Not all women are wussie, manipulative, feeling-riddled sops. The Mars/Venus thing makes me seethe. I am a woman, and I like to fix problems. Don't tell me something if you want only empathy. I like a lot of "guy" things, but I knit and bake and garden just like lots of men do. Funny thing is, men b***h about "traditional" women, but are scared by someone who can go toe to toe with them, What is THAT about? I think most men have weak egos and are easily threatened by women who cre strong and competent. - 01/16/2011
Warren W. Marriage is 99% listening and 1% something else I can't remember - 11/29/2010
Osaye O. the subject of marriage and relationships gets my attention any day. it bothers me that women tell their husbands somthing and expect him to just listen and probably empathize. they fail to undestand that men are wired to fix issues.we find fulfilment in fixing things,issues. in as much as wives expect their husband to understand their emotional needs,communication in marriage is also about wives knowing how express such issues in a way that he can get the message, not in sign language.wives sould also appreciate the effort of husbands even if its not exactly what they expected. - 11/24/2010
Pablo C. Is it just me, or is there little connection between the headline and the article above? The headline says "get her to speak the way men do," then the article advises men to just give up and speak as women do. Compromise seems a better approach - each should make the effort to reach the other person on their terms whenever possible, and when situations call for it. Is she telling you about a difficult conversation with her friend or a family member? Well, listen, sympathize and keep your suggestions to yourself unless asked. Are you trying to manage a contractor or catch a plane? Ask her to put feelings aside for a little while to focus on practical matters (turnabout is fair play, even if you admire that scene in Pulp Fiction where Bruce Willis convinces the distraught woman to get on his motorcycle and flee). - 11/23/2010
Ed F. Ladies, you do insult to your man by bringing a problem to him you don't want him to solve. ACCEPT that he's a man and will try to solve a problem so that it will go away -- that's how he faces life. If you want someone to just listen, find another woman to tell it to. - 11/18/2010
Cheryl S. Jon: How's that working out for you in all your relationships??? LOL Just cut out and leave when there are communication problems?? SOrry, but you'll learn soon enough that COMMUNICATION is important in ANY relationship, not just marriage! GROW UP!! - 11/17/2010
C. T. Wow. "Bake a recipe" with her, huh? Is this supposed to be the typical woman's hobby that a guy can take part in if he swallows enough of his pride. Here's a real tip for ya guys, from a real woman. Don't take advice about women from a guy who thinks "baking" is a hobby for most women these days. Yikes dude - check the calendar. Last time I looked at one, it wasn't 1952. - 11/16/2010
Jacob D. Guys try to fix problems and sometimes they don't know that they are just needed to listen. At the same time women should know to let a guy know exactly what she is looking for, say "can you listen to me...", "I need you to hear me out..." etc. this will help. I promise - 11/08/2010
Sergio G. Are you seriously such a douche that you believe this "men and women are from different worlds" crap? Your pointers are mostly sound, but they are not gender specific - stop trying to pretend that they are. Sometimes married people disagree. Communication, listening, and empathy are key regardless of the gender of the players. - 11/04/2010
Jon T. Or you can try not bothering with marriage to begin with, then when Communication problems develop you don't get divorced you simply go your separate ways...PEACEFULLY :) - 11/02/2010
Mr. O. @Robert P. I believe there is a way you can help 'fix' the problem, but as Kate C. has concisely stated, you can't 'fix' the feeling. A man often listens to the events rather than emotions and tries to suggest actions that, in his opinion, would lead to a different feeling. Instead, listen to how she feels. I find that often as my wife tells me of events that led to negative feelings, she does not need me to tell her what to do differently next time. She already knows what she wants to do differently next time. She instead needs to hear that she is my friend. I value her opinions. She is not a failure as a mom, but a fantastic mom and it's ok for things to go differently than she planned them. Then, look for actions that YOU can take to help build positive emotions for her that will counteract the negative emotions from other people or events. - 10/29/2010
Kate C. Women don't tell you their feelings to see how to fix feelings (I don't see how anyone can 'fix' a feeling). They tell them to get validation for feeling that way. Are they right for feeling hurt, or whatever it is. - 10/25/2010
Robert P. Focus on the feeling. My lady told me in plain English the other night that I have a tendency to try and fix problems. Well, that's what guys do. erm. Anyway. What she told me was to STOP it. When a women tells you how she is feeling, all she wants you to do is listen. And yeah, I tend to jump in with ways to fix how she is feeling, when what she really needs is my attention and my ear. She needs to vent. My actions after she tells me how she is feeling will help more than any attempt at conversation I mght make while she is venting. Keep in mind, we're totally in love, and getting married in two weeks to the day. It was a star effort by her to communicate like a man by the way, and use plain words to tell me how I can help best. One of the many reasons I love her. - 10/01/2010
L M. "Swallow your pride and try to take part in some of her hobbies, too, even if you might be a little put off at first. While you're not going to be trying on makeup with her, you could try baking a recipe together." Swallow your pride?!? Glad to see that relationship articles geared toward men are just as cliched and gender stereotypical as the ones geared toward women. This may blow the author's mind, but a woman might actually have hobbies that extend beyond makeup and baking. Really now, couldn't you have come up with something slightly more gender-neutral as an example? - 09/29/2010

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