Replace Your "Date Night" with a "Fight Night"

August 17, 2011, By Steve Kissing 2 comments

Steve Kissing

Most couples have plenty of little tiffs that never get resolved because life gets in the way. You have to head off to work, greet some guests at the door or drive one of your kids to soccer practice. These unfinished and unresolved disagreements have a tendency to linger in the back of both of your minds, where they ferment and later explode into something far bigger. You’ve heard of "Date Night," but maybe it’s time to try "Fight Night."

How it Works

Once a month or so, you pick an evening where you set aside an hour or two to air your grievances. Each person should bring no more than two—three tops. Take turns sharing them, discussing them and resolving them. The point is to train yourself to hold back from fighting in the moment over "little things." Instead, wait until you have the time to really talk about it. This also provides you both with ample time to cool down, to reflect on the matter and to think about a way to express your concern or beef in a cool, calm and collected manner.

Rules

• The first rule is that you both have to agree to the rules. Whether you follow ours or create your own, Fight Night needs rules to prevent it from becoming a shouting match.
• Each person needs to be fully engaged. No TV, Blackberry, etc.
• Sit near each other and be comfortable.
• Start each session by both acknowledging that you have both agreed to try this approach and that you do so freely.
• No yelling or screaming is permitted.
• Share your concerns with the other person via email a day or two before so you each know what’s on the "agenda." Be matter of fact in your email; don’t go into detail. For instance: "I feel like you get upset every time I arrive home from work past 6 pm, but I simply can’t always control when I leave work." The recipient cannot respond. Save that for Fight Night.
• Divide the time you have equally among the number of items you have to discuss. If you need more time for any one issue or concern, agree to extend the time or to have Fight Night 2, as long as that can happen within one week. You don’t want anything to fester. Remember, that’s the point of doing this in the first place.
• Act like the grownups you are, meaning: be willing to admit your mistakes and missteps; put the other person’s needs before yours; seek common ground; recognize that just by making the time to work through issues you are more advanced than most couples.

When fight night is over, find a way to express your love for each other, be that by sitting on your porch or, better still, a wrestling match in your bed.