Men Don’t Listen or Clean Enough

October 22, 2011, By Tom McNulty 1 comment

Tom McNulty

Relationship riddle: What do women really want their men to be? A good provider? A guy with washboard abs who’s great in the sack and cuddles afterward? A man who shares housekeeping duties without being nagged?

All of the above. And as it turns out, one more thing. In chatting with female friends and reading some books to gather information for the more relationship-oriented sequel to Clean Like a Man, I discovered that many women rank a man who listens and communicates right up there, too.

According to "The Illustrated, Essential Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus," women's biggest complaint about men is that we don’t listen. Life coach and author Richard Leider adds: “When men are asked to name their most committed listener, 99 percent either pick their wives or say they don’t have one. When women are asked, 99 percent say it’s one of their women friends.”

Well, I think the 99 percent is an overstatement. My most committed listeners are two of my best male friends (I’m not married, but my girlfriend will also listen).

The point is that when women vent, they just want to be heard and know that someone understands how they feel, which guys don’t do very well.

Listening Isn’t Easy

The hot word in marriage counseling was, is and always will be “communication.” Two-way street, understanding each other, all that. And for guys, a lot of that equation will involve improving your effective listening skills.

Effective listening is not easy. It takes work. Listening to your wife is even more of a challenge because there are often many “between the lines” shades of meaning you have to decipher and process, and nuanced body language to read on the fly.

For example, you can ask how she is. Her answer, “fine,” is secondary to the way she says it and may not be what she means at all. If she says, “Fine, you bastard!” it’s a billboard. If there’s only a slight inflection of the word, you have to ask, “Really?” She does want you to ask, because she wants to download what’s on her mind.

NEXT: Make Her Feel Appreciated