The Truth About Affairs (and How to Prevent Them)

Sal B. Old married woman here. I don't go much for cards, candy, flowers, and all that trite girly stuff (appreciate them, but I don't NEEED them). I'm lucky I married a man with a good steady job for 30 years, he's still working, I've been a SAHM and now a stay at home wife! - unusual, I know, but he's fine with it and said if I did find a job or put in more volunteer hours, he's fine with whatever - and he treats me for the most part with respect and good manners. So it works for us, we're on the same page, and he often says we are like a well-matched team of horses heading down the road of life toward the barn. (romantic, isn't he?) If you date/marry someone diametrically opposed to begin with, they aren't going to change and this will cause stress and tension and arguing. Which could lead to "my wife/husband doesn't understand me". Myself, I wouldn't think of having an affair (frankly, looking around the neighborhood there ain't nothing worth tapping, lol - lot of geezers and stuck up yuppies). One thing I do appreciate in having a mate, in a close knit relationship - if there's trouble and stress you are working through - illness, financial difficulty, kids acting up - give each other frequent hugs. Just hugs. It's scientifically proven giving someone a hug makes them feel a little bit better. This isn't an invitation to immediately drop trou and start pounding away, men. Why is it men can go days and weeks without so much as patting their wives on the shoulder as they walk by? Need. Hugs. Now. Simple as it is, this is a bonding experience. So do it. - 09/28/2011

Queen B. That is an excuse to become whorish, if I am not feeling appreciated or loved, I am leaving period. When I was younger the few relationships I had with men it felt as if I was hired help, so I said screw this, I cried, was hurt, but I got over it. Now I am glad I don't have to worry about that anymore, I am totally single and have been for about 7 yrs. now. - 08/21/2011

G C. This seems awfully chauvinistic. After she cooks you dinner, which is just assumed, help her with the dishes! Idiots. A couple being partners is just a given, if she cooks you SHOULD clean up! Likewise if a man cooks, the woman can clean. Tip: if you dont want your wife to cheat on you, don't treat her like hired help to cook and clean for you. - 08/11/2011

A M. Mike B. with the 42 year success - YOU ARE THE MAN!!! And, just as she is lucky to have you, you are lucky she is THE WOMAN and happens to be yours. You guys should develop some training program for us married folks. I'm at 8+ with my husband and we have weathered things most marriages could never survive. I only wish we personally knew a couple like you that we could look to as mentors. If you both work hard and are forgiving when the other doesn't live up to that image you had (prior to years of marriage) of a perfect spouse is can be done; but having someone like you to share their wisdom could sure speed up the process and help smooth some of the bumps before they turn into big potholes that require longer, bigger repairs. Congratulations to you both! - 08/10/2011

Joe G. Um, yea.... I would rather be cheated on. - 08/10/2011

July P. MikeB: Very well said. You nailed it completely. - 08/10/2011

Mike B. Long ago I came across an amazing bit of advice that was almost 2,000 years old and yet it was as modern as any advice a marriage counselor could offer. I found these words of wisdom in Ephesians 5:28 "Men ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourishes and cherishes it," If you cherish your wife, you will be glad to see her when you come home. Maybe even just coming in from working in the yard. If you smile at her she will know you are glad to see her and she will feel loved and appreciated. Do that for each other and your marriage will be a good one. We have now been married 42 years. No affairs, only a few loud arguments that were quickly settled. Too many people go into marriage expecting the spouse to make everything right. If that is the attitude you are destined for failure. If both husband and wife do their best to make the other feel loved, you can't go wrong. In all those years of marriage there were times when I felt my wife wasn't giving me what I wanted or needed. But then I came to my senses and realized she had many burdens that were complicating her life. If I had continued focusing on what I wanted the marriage could have gone sour. She has admitted the same for herself. When either of us focused on self, things did not go well. The words, "I want" mean you are focusing on self and that is where the trouble begins. Ask what does my spouse need and things will go very well. AH, but both spouses have to ask the same question or it is all one sided. There is entirely too much ME, ME, ME in the attitude of people. Long ago at a friends party I heard two men talking about their lives and I predicted both of them would soon be divorced. They were because they were focused on what they wanted rather than on what their marriage needed. ME, ME, ME destroyed their lives, split their families for which the children suffered split custody and the friction that goes with a break up. Come to your senses people, if all you think about is "ME", that is all you will end up with. I now have a wife who cherishes me, a nice home in the country, two sons who think I'm a great dad, and four precious grandchildren who adore this gray haired old guy. I didn't get that by asking, "What's in it for ME? - 07/31/2011

J S. I'm surprised so many women have responded. But the comments are pretty much always the same. For a men's site, these suggestions seem to me pretty effeminate. I wonder why there is always this double standard--that men are required by women to always give them things and do things for women. Where was I when it was agreed that men have to constantly kiss women's *sses? If a woman always wants a man to bring flowers, send cards, "date her," then maybe she should not marry. Many couples are doing just that. Forty percent of hetero white women, 60% of hispanic women and 70% of Black American Women have children out of wedlock. There appears to be no question that Society itself is the prime purveyor of divorce. I sincerely doubt that doing these things will cause a woman not to cheat. Cheating is much more systemic. Though having been in the arms of a number of married women, I would agree that the cheating for the majority of women starts in the heart--emotional. As any man can see by just reviewing the literature on the Internet, women have been dominating this relational discussion for the past 50 years. Ever since Feminism reared its ugly head, women have been demanding more and more control. They have manipulated demographic data to promote their own agenda. For example, you always hear about child abuse: But do you know that according to government data, women and mothers account for over 66% of child abuse? But do you ever hear of women trying to target the majority of child abuse perpetrators--women? No, what they do is perpetuate the myth that it is men that actually commit child abuse. The same goes for the distortion that women make only 17 cents less then men. Is this true? Yes, it is, but it is a distortion. Women work less hours than men. How can we prove this? Well, Black American women doing the same job make more money than white women do. Lesbians working the same job make more money than hetero white women--these are statistics, not my opinion. Unless women want to contend that businesses discriminate against white women in favor of Black American women and Lesbians, it is not too difficult to connect the dots! As women continue to make major inroads in work and society--always to the detriment of men--we will continue to see these sex wars. Men and women will continue to cheat at ever greater amounts--simply because both genders think that they are entitled. And our hypersexualizing of women--by women--has broken down the taboos to the point where both men and women have every little respect for each other. You can see it on the internet and the womens publications. Men are constantly criticized, lampooned and humiliated. They are constantly held to double standards by Feminsts, Government and the Courts. By both marginalizing and alienating men, we continue to make it easier to cheat on spouses, sire children out of wedlock, and shirk the responsibilities of parenthood. So if you want to know how to stop the cycle of men cheating, the first thing women need to do is stop objectifying themselves thru the constant hypersexualization that you see on TV and in women's magazines. Today, you cannot find a woman's publication at the newstand that doesn't have SEX somewhere on the cover. Women are entirely focused and obsessed about sex. They dress ever more provocatively and more suggestively. The skirt lines continue to go up and the available cleavage goes ever further down. When women quit selling themselves like wh*res, maybe men will then stop treating them like wh*res. The second thing that women can do is to start treating their men with the same respect that they expect to be treated. Stop promoting TV practices that present men as clueless idiots that can't do anything while the woman is the all knowing competent one. That's like presenting a woman as a blond bimbo sex object. If you women don't like dumb blond jokes, then why to you love to tell "dumb guy jokes?" People start to take on the mannerisms as to how you present them. The third thing you can do to prevent men from cheating on you is the most simple: marry men with integrity and character rather than just someone with enough sperm to impregnate you and give you what you really want--a child. But in order to do that, you have to look yourself in the mirror; be honest and accurately assess yourself. If you're a cheap sl*t, don't expect a hedge fund manager that will sweep you off your feet--that only works in movies--and that is why they call it "fantasy." Like in all things, you get what you pay for. If more and more men and women are cheating today, that tells you that more and more men and women don't see it as such a big deal. And the reason they don't see it as that big a deal is because people like you and me are far more forgiving than we should be. And that translates to society--men and women--continuing to lower the integrity and character bar. This adds up to: the best way for men and women to stop cheating is for the rest of us not lowering our personal standards, but rather raising them. It takes two to cheat. - 07/30/2011

W B. This is exactly how I do it. I've slept with waaaaaay more married women than single. In fact, its much easier. I also won't get married... why? Because most women are so easy to sucker into things. Women will run to anyone to complain about their man. That's mistake #1. It doesn't have to be to a man, it could be to a girlfriend... and she tells her man.. he tells a friend.. and bang, next party things start developing. Its not hard to find women who are disgruntled.. they always have something to complain about. Or they think their man is cheating... blah blah blah. I was in a 2 yr deal... I was honest about my past, as we were also friends for years... anyway.. I got accused of cheating many times. I've never cheated in my life... in fact, why make the commitment if I'm going to cheat... I might break up a house, but it won't be mine. I heard the "my heart in breaking in a million pieces" theme very often.. it was a source of emotional blackmail. Why? Because I wanted to see some old friends from work for lunch. Every time I made lunch plans, she retorted with why don't I come have lunch w/ her instead... why? because I did last week... also.. I spend 5 days a week with you.. and talk to you constantly... I'd like to see someone else from time to time. So.. not all women are like this.. I get it... and I've learned the warning signs. Insecurity, that's a huge one. ANY woman that has a lot of insecurities are prime meat for a wolf. You can take up rent in her head anytime. If any woman has any questions, ask. I'll even pass along my email, if I find someone really wants help on how to not let their man stray. - 06/29/2011

Gin D. Some women just cannot be pleased....as you can see from the comments....and this is coming from a woman. Nice article. - 06/29/2011

Ceryle A. Greeting cards? Are you @#)(&$% kidding me? These suggestions are like bandaids. If you think a greeting card can bring you emotionally closer to your wife, you have serious problems. Women need to be taken seriously, and they need your time and attention. Not a %)(^&^$% Hallmark card. Your marriage needs to be as much about your spouse as it is about yourself. I've been lucky, but I've known women who have been extremely frustrated because their husbands haven't ever really figured out that their lives have to change when they get married, that they are no longer the center of their own universes, and that they have to actually share their lives with someone else and make compromises and sacrifices. Most of the time, the woman ends up having to meet the man 70/30. - 06/28/2011

Julie J. This article is lame and boring. - 06/28/2011

C V. Female here. I feel I must confess. I don't come here to read "tips" on men's habits. I don't come here to try to "figure out my man". I come on this site (It does ROCK btw!) to read the insecure women's comments on each article posted. Seriously? Ya'll wonder why the guys think we are crazy as a whole? Because you idiots do stuff like this then run back to a chick site and whine because your man won't cuddle with you. Get over yourselves. - 06/25/2011

Will O. Strange is good if it is kept A secret with the lovers Who love their mates and love themselves But need the love of others - 06/25/2011

Michele B. Wow. I, personally, found the article very interesting - coming from a man's point of view. As a woman who has been on both ends of the affair chain, I can tell you that MY experiences in a relationship dictate the course in which it will head. I learned after 6 years of marriage to "never say never because you never know." Having said that, an emotional affair that led to a sexual affair, let to a marriage of 9 years ... and right back to the same road where I began. I truly believe that the bottom line to a good relationship is mutual respect and honesty. A husband's affair is more likely to start because they are having trouble communicating (especially if it's about sex). No guy wants to say something to his wife about trying something new in bed or whatever and (1) be rejected, (2) be accused, or (3) hurt his wife's feelings (not necessarily in that order lol). A wife on the other hand usually has NO PROBLEM communicating ... bitch, bitch, bitch, right? No, that's not it. Relationships change because LIFE changes. I know my husband told a family member that he wished that I could be the person that I once was (harsh, I know, right?!) ... well guess what, pal? I could surely say the same about YOU. HOWEVER, I realize that life changed - a lot - and we didn't change with it, so we were changed BY it - separately. People have free will to decide whether a relationship is working - and whether they want it to work (because, let's face it - if it's something you REALLY want, you figure it out). Kids only complicate matters. I'm all about a happy ending but it takes work. Guys work - hard ... and women work - hard, so let's just agree to disagree about who does more and just do whatever needs to be done. Whoever said a marriage is 50/50 is full of crap because, quite frankly, some days it's 100/0 on either side. Being with the same person "forever" seems ridiculous when you think about it. What is the longest you've ever had a friend ... and at that, were you living with them day-in/day-out? Probably not. Respect. Communication. Honesty. Consideration. Humor. Love. It's a two-way street and shouldn't just be expect by the woman. Some days (heck, some months) may be nearly intolerable but the bottom line is - unless it's an abusive situation - you took a vow "for better or for worse" ... funny how easy it is to stand up there on one of the happiest days of your life to say "I DO" and then run for cover when the sh*tstorm hits, right? BTW fellas ... women DO like the "quickies" too ... sex doesn't always have to be a friggin emotional "making love" production BUT, a woman can't just check her emotional issues at the door, so keep things right and have yourself some afternoon delight! lol - 06/25/2011

Susan V. If a marrage doesn't work, it does not mean there is something wrong with you, it means the situation was wrong. I recently went through a divorce - my ex cheated on me and had gambling issues. I came to realize that I was not the right person for him and I need somebody who wanted to be with me. The key to marriage is communication and respect for the other person.I like this article because it is a guide for making a good relationship better. This article could easily interchange he/she - because there are two people who cheat. Best wishes to all! - 06/24/2011

Gwyneth P. Thank you for this article. It is so nice when your husband tells you that you look pretty before you leave the house or he walks you to the train stop or drives you where you need to go (even if he pretends that he was going that direction anyway or just needs to stretch his legs). I love my man. I belong to him and I didn't think this article was sexist. If I need his help around the house, I speak up. I don't resent the fact that he needs to be reminded that something is dirty. He just doesn't see it and I get that. His needs are different from mine. He doesn't you need to clean the sink after you clean the dishes in the sink. He just thought the sink was cleaned by the act of cleaning the dishes. I do love him terribly and he does his best for me. This article will help a lot of men and women. - 06/24/2011

A R. This is just my two cents. I'm a divorced, re-married woman over 40 with one child. My first marriage ended because my ex-husband had an affair and left me. I've since forgiven him - I can't in good conscience try to make his life more difficult than he's already made it -because it would just hurt our son. I'm remarried now and I've decided that I'm blessed to have someone who works so hard and makes so much of an effort to make our lives better. What I"ve learned is that my relationships aren't perfect because I'm not perfect and I'm in each one of them I've been in. I try not to speak for all women or pretend to understand all men. I just think if we all stopped listening so much to what people say to us and start watching what they do -it might educate us sooner about what type of person we're dealing with. I've learned that folks say a lot of things -but they always 'do' what they 'are' and it's a much more reliable indicator to gauge what you're dealing with. Anyway- back to working on my own personal inventory and trying to be a decent parent. Peace. - 06/23/2011