Get Personal: Your Wife's Drama
September 02, 2011, By Craig J. Heimbuch 1 comment
It happens. Something comes up and there's all this drama. Sure, it probably happens more to her than it does to you, but that doesn't mean you won't be dragged into it. It's stereotypical, but also a guy thing to see simple answers to the most complicated problems, to confront something directly or forget it. So it's no wonder that when something comes up in our wives' worlds, we're at a loss for what she needs.
My wife isn't prone to drama. It's not often that something is going on that keeps her up at night. But, inevitably, there are times when she drives herself crazy trying to comprehend and solve a social issue, and it mystifies me how complicated things can be. She weighs the consequences and implications of every comment, strategizes her next move and considers all the social ramifications of every option. It's a social game of chess.
The problem is that I'm built for checkers.
We have the kind of relationship where we share our troubles. For me, it's usually a quick "I'm stressed about work" and then a click over to ESPN. When I ask her about her troubles, I need to find a comfortable spot on the couch, because I'll be there for a while. It's my instinct to want to interrupt her with a suggestion, to cut her venting short with a solution or some perspective. But when she's upset about something someone said, the last thing she wants to hear about is the relatively charmed suburban existence she leads as compared to a homeless child in Uganda.
The learning curve for me was pretty long, but I think I'm starting to understand. What my wife needs it compassion, caring and support instead of logic, answers and impatience. There's nothing new here, but I think it's worth it for husbands to remember a few things when it comes to helping your wife through drama.
1. Don't Call It Drama - No matter how trivial the problem seems to you, it's not to her. Writing it off as drama belittles something that's bothering her, and no one wants to have their problems belittled. Don't be dramatic. Don't go overboard. Just follow her lead.
2. Be On Her Team - When it comes to rifts with her friends, she's looking to have someone in her corner. Don't tell her something is her fault. Don't tell her she should have or could have done something differently. You are a team, and that includes when things are going wrong in her life.
3. Don't Hear, Listen - Men communicate in broad strokes; women communicate in nuance. It's the difference between staining a deck and painting a portrait. You can hear the words coming out of her mouth, but if you're not listening to the details, the nuance, the space between the words, you might as well go to the gym.
NEXT: Don't Solve
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