How to Talk with Your Teenager
September 28, 2011, By Jim Higley 0 comments
To those of you who still have cute, little kids who think you’re the greatest thing since their pacifier, I bring bad news.
You see, there’s a good chance that—somewhere down the road—they’re going to turn on you. Some will stop talking. Others will only grunt. And, sadly, some will think that you are the root of all things bad in their life. This is one of the most painful parts of parenting. It usually happens during the tweens or teens. Or both. And in my 22 years of parenting, it’s one of the deepest valleys I’ve ever known.
The good news is that much of it can be softened, if not avoided. You just have to work at it. For me, as I’ve navigated these roads with my three kids, I’ve come to view it as focusing on the four “L’s”.
Listen
This is where most experts say parents usually fumble. Many of us—in the spirit of wanting our child to have success and happiness—are over-focused on grades, sports, social life and achievement. We get anxious about everything. We want perfection.
“We fear the worst, and as a result, our communication changes,” states Dr. John Duffy, clinical psychologist and author of “The Available Parent.” “We demand more. We become suspicious of our child’s motives and actions. We check text history and phone GPS. And we lecture. Man, do we lecture.”
We become air traffic controllers for our kids. We monitor everything. We direct. Redirect. Reroute. And somehow, along the flight pattern of the tween-to-teen teen years, many parents just cut off communication. And when communication becomes one-way and constricted, our kids stop listening. Many stop talking.
Get this one right. Stop lecturing. Start listening at least 75% of the time.
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