A Virgin Reborn

July 28, 2010, By 35 comments

A Virgin Reborn

The period immediately following a divorce can be a confusing and unsettling time for a man. When it comes to sex, a lot of men expect to rush right back into an intimate relationship with a woman, and even think something is wrong with them if they don't.

Nothing could be further from the truth. A newly divorced man must guard against trying to take things too fast.

Don't look for sex right away with a new woman. Remember that many women identify sex with a caring, long-term relationship. Unless that's what you want right now, rushing into a sexual relationship (such as a 'friend with benefits') is a bad idea. Although it may feel safe and reassuring to replace your ex-wife with another woman in bed immediately, the fact is that most men need a transitional time. This means dating is fine but the heavy commitment sex brings to a new relationship may not be. Take some time to find out who you are first.

Search for a new partner with patience and intelligence. The first instinct of many men post-divorce is to jump into the singles bar scene or into online dating immediately. Instead, step back and think about what you want in a future partner, and understand what went wrong last time. Instead of hitting on every woman in sight, make an effort to join social networks that attract the kind of woman you are looking for. It'll be much better to meet a new partner through common interests than through hoping to hit the jackpot in your one-night stands. That's not to say bars and dating services might not be an option eventually, but you want to approach everything slowly and on your terms. If you put on a big show and get a woman to fall for an act instead of who you are, you might find yourself saddled with a whole new set of relationship problems.

When you do have sex again, don't expect fireworks. Divorce makes people worry about getting older and losing time, but don't expect to jump from a divorce straight into the sexual Olympics. When you and your new partner do reach the right time for sex, take it slow. It's much better to focus on the romantic and sensual side of things than to rush into bed with the 10 best Kama Sutra positions. After all, if you are moving into a meaningful relationship, you have plenty of time to spice things up.

Don't spoil the wonder. To a newly divorced guy, even a first kiss can and should be exciting. Be romantic and build up to the right moment, and feel free to back off if the timing isn't right. The new woman in your life will be far more understanding if you go slow or want to wait than if you are rushing her into the bedroom.

There is life and sex after divorce. But not in the first week, and maybe not in the first year. As a man you need to take your time and worry about your own emotional state, as well as that of your potential partner.

Comments (35):

Andrea B. Was this written by a woman? - 06/30/2011
C W. Sorry R H, there is something missing here? I have no idea why he would completely abandoned his entire family. Our children are both of ours. He has lost a big part of him. There was something missing that he went out and looked for. I'm not sure if he found it or just ran away. My situation is different. I was told many hateful things over many years. I kept on trying, It was until the past year that I finally gave up on pursuing something that was no longer there for me. How long should someone keep on trying when the door is closed and you are told many many hurtful things? It's very hard to live with someone that hates you all of the time. - 06/28/2011
C W. I'm reading this article and understand what you are saying. What happens if you already know and understand what has torn apart your marriage and already found someone that you've become best friends with and just the presence of her being around you gives you more happiness then you've ever felt before? We took our time and built our friendship and have now found out that we are the so compatiable it's ridiculous. We are both very competitive and care more about each other then we could believe possible. - 06/28/2011
Paula W. Michael C I really do not believe that your problem is this lack of respect for men. Clearly you neither like nor respect women. Get out there and find 1 good woman so you can stop hating all women in general. - 05/15/2011
Will D. I've never been divorced, but I'd think the first thing to do would be to figure out why you ended up getting a divorce and be darned sure you avoided dating, sleeping with, or otherwise interacting with someone who possessed any of the qualities that contributed to your predicament. Otherwise, you might just be in for a case of "shampoo, lather, rinse, repeat". - 05/12/2011
R H. Wow. He left for work that morning and sent me an e-mail after almost 30 years. He had been looking for my replacement online for at least 9 months and when he found one, he moved out and moved in with her. It has been almost 4 years and I don't see how anyone who actually loved their spouse can just replace their whole family for another. He has no contact with our 3 children (our youngest was only 14 when he left, and she hasn't spoken to him since....what kind of man will she look for in her life, I wonder), he has never met his 2 grandsons. I don't know if this shocking feeling of abandonment ever goes away. He was supposed to be my best friend, my partner in all things. Really? This is all a man wants...having sex with anyone he finds? That is really what life is about for people? This is what people think about on their death bed? "I wish I had had more sex"? How utterly, demoralizingly empty. - 05/04/2011
Michael C. "Unfortunately, most men in general don't take the time to figure out what went wrong in a relationship or who they really are, like many women do. Too bad - it would do them some good." Wow, like how women absolve themselves of their own shortcomings. Maybe it was the wife who went wrong or did not know whom she really was... In any case, no one gender is exclusively self-reflective when a relationship ends, let alone ends badly... However, culturally many tend to blame the male gender - obviously, their liberation and equality are easily traded away, and the warm blanket of traditional roles return for finding fault... This lack of respect for males and how much their roles have changed and are still in transition in many modern households is the crux of the matter and root cause for why many relationships fail today... Media and their mavens foster the "You go girl!" at the expense of constantly admonishing males with the results of which will only reverberate long after the damage has been done... As for the article, its advice is directed for guiding new divorcees that will generally be emotionally unready from "jumping the shark" too quickly back into another relationship or worse complicating it too quickly with sex... The application of the article's advice may vary according to your own libido, emotional readiness, and maturity... - 04/21/2011
Bobby C. It's pretty simple, really. You have more time to yourself - perhaps more than you need. Don't make any crazy or major changes. Join a gym. Go there regularly before or after work. Start a social calendar of your own including good/popular books and going to the movies and events with friends or alone. You'll want to actually have something to talk about when you do talk to a woman. Sooner rather than later, you will run into someone who's into you and you will know this through casual conversation. If you think she's the one, take it slow. If you'd rather see if she's into a physical relationship with few strings attached, be as honest as possible about your intentions and your desires. The situation may not be the most desirable, but you've got to make do in a way that is both proactive and comfortable. To quote The Offspring, "I know I should say no, but it's kinda hard when she's ready to go. I may be dumb, but I'm not a dweeb - just a sucker with no self esteem." - 04/05/2011
Michael O. The time to wait depends on many things, especially how long you were married, how long before the split were you emotionally tuned-out, what you want, and whether you find the right woman. Sometimes immediate rebound relationships turn into real one's, though often they're a disaster. Conversely, sometimes the slow methodical one's work and other times they're a disaster .. it really depends more on the man, the woman, and the circumstances. Waiting too long can be as bad as not waiting at all though; I've seen people become too lonely so a little bit of attention and they're hooked. One thing to remember is that the world is likely a different place than it was when you got married, especially if you've been married over ten years. Attitudes are different, the 'net connects a lot more people together, and -- if the old relationship goes back to your teen years -- grown-up women are a lot different than teenagers. My own suggestions: a) if you have kids, try to date women with kids; it's actually easier, especially if you don't want more, b) remember you're dating a grown-up who has her own emotional scars, c) that BS your wife complained about .. she might too, then again she might not; women are people with different preferences, d) don't listen to your parents, e) if she's mean, hostile, hits, threatens, or asks for money leave, f) the kids will find out eventually; trying to hide it for too long is pointless, g) have fun and ask yourself if you're happy .. if not, move on, as long as your expectations aren't unrealistic; not every moment will be enjoyable because, h) relationships take work, but are worth the time. - 04/01/2011
Robert B. This is the most foolish article ever read. In the first place one or the other is usually having an affair. If the author can go without sex for year (it does not mean) others can or will. You don't need a new plan to end a relationship or begin a new one. The only thing that holds American couples together is sex and money, and the latter being first in order. - 03/28/2011

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