Fighting For Your Kid

July 31, 2010, By 15 comments

Fighting For Your Kid

Seated before me is a man, a father, a provider of love to his children. He has soothed scraped knees, changed wet bedsheets at 3 a.m, and taught his boy to ride a bike. He is fighting back tears. We aren’t close enough yet for him to let me see the hurt that comes from losing his family.

I’m a divorce attorney. I specialize in helping men. Frequently a man comes to my office having already left the family home. “I don’t care about the house,” he’ll tell me. “I just want to see my kids.”

I know the story well enough by now: He and his wife weren’t getting along. They were arguing and fighting in front of the kids. She kept telling him to “get out, just leave!” So he did. He thought it was best for everyone. He thought that if he moved out, the fighting would stop.

What he doesn’t know, and what I have to tell him, is that he has already lost the custody war.

Moving out of the house is the single worst move a man can make—financially, emotionally, and strategically—during a divorce. (The only time a man should leave is if there is physical violence, or if his wife is cruel enough to lie about being abused in order to get a restraining order.)

Aside from the financial strain of finding an apartment, the husband now gets blamed for “leaving.” Moving out has created a “status quo” as far as the courts are concerned. Since dad left the kids with mom, the court thinks that he feels they should be with her, and that’s most likely what will happen.

He will get every other weekend and a weeknight dinner. This is the bad news I have to deliver to the man who sits in front of me in tears.

Men are hugely uneducated about what happens in a divorce or a child custody battle. We don’t talk about it with each other. We don’t strategize. This is our undoing.

Good men don’t leave until they have to. Good men talk to each other and get help. If we don’t, we lose our rights—and our kids.

 

Content originally published on The Good Men Project Magazine.


David Pisarra is a father's and husband's rights attorney in Santa Monica, Ca. His website is www.MensFamilyLaw.com.

Comments (15):

Jeff P.
Jeff P. Steve: Thanks for sharing. Glad that your situation worked out well. Wish that were the case for more relationships. - 10/12/2011
Steve J. Good advice. The only thing I would say is that there is afine line between fighting for what is right (like who should leave the house) and making your soon to be ex wife so vindictive that she pullks out all the stops to undue you. On October 10 this year, I will be "celebrating" with a group of guys (my 23 year old son amongst them) for the support, kindness, guidance and friendship I have enjoyed since becoming a single Dad 20 years ago. I want to send out a thank you to all the great single Dads out there; contrary to popular belief, we are in many ways the unsung heroes of this country. I have to consider myself "lucky" in that I was able to spend an inordinate amount of time with both my kids (23 yr old son, 26 yr old daughter); went quickly from 40% to 60% with both, and then 100% with my son. I say lucky because I think you all know how difficult it is to get much of anything (except demands) from ex wives! I truly wish for you all to have as great a post divorce live as I. My kids are my best friends, and my ex wife still thinks she is the best mother in the world; the perfect scenerio! Guys, I am going to tell you what I have told zillions of divorced guys over the last 20 years; pray that your ex wife QUICKLY marries a decent guy. For me, it made my life so much easier. She was busy making a new family so I was able to have the kids tons more than even the aforementioned 60% If I had an issue, I went to her husband and asked for his help. It certainly was not a cake walk for the last 20 years, but I am so fortunate not to have had a billion conversations with my kids about the "new boyfriend" who is hanging out with their mom. IMHO, very few things damage a kid more than seeing their single parent whoreing about, from one relationship to another. - 10/07/2011
Inez N. I think its unfair to not look at the person the case, and the kids. they just use old fashion bull to decide who the kids go with.but this article doesnt provide much advice.but it would be so hard to contintue living in a place where your getting dishes thrown at you. but when she says get out dont leave without a kid if she says you cant take em then tell her you stay. - 01/09/2011
Josh R. In this day and age, I am shocked at how tolerant we are of the prejudice against men. While we all claim to support equal rights and justice for both genders, how can we sit idly by when we see something like this? This is government-sponsored sexism, and it needs to stop. - 01/08/2011
Lynn B. That is why there is such a thing called a Separation Agreement to protect the rights of both parties and the children involved. That way "abandonment" is ruled OUT. - 01/07/2011
Carol W. Also, guys you need to DOCUMENT everything! Show what she has been doing and how she has been spending the family money. Show your plan on how you will be able to care for the kids and your backup plan when the sitter fails or your job needs you to stay late. Show what you have done to be there for the kids during the marriage and what you did to make her able to take care of the kids. The current bias is to put the kids with the mom unless you can show you will be a better parent. To do that you need to have a plan and show why you will be a better parent. Also, you need to legally find out as many of her contacts as possible to avoid a grab and run by her. protect yoursef and your money. Let the kids know, if they are old enough, that you would NEVER abandon them or hurt their mom (no matter what she says) and how to contact you if they are ever taken. - 01/06/2011
Carol W. Many women should not have custody of the kids. They don't have the finances to be the primary parent and cannot afford proper care of them when they are at work. Instead of trying to extort an excessive amount of support to make up for this they should let the husband have primary custody. My ex and I did it this way because he could afford to keep the house and his job would allow him to take them to school and watch them afterwards. He didn't raise them exactly as I would have but I had the comfort of knowing they were able to stay in their old neighborhood and be around their friends. I needed to start a new life- they needed the security of the old one. - 01/06/2011
Carol W. Many women should not have custody of the kids. They don't have the finances to be the primary parent and cannot afford proper care of them when they are at work. Instead of trying to extort an excessive amount of support to make up for this they should let the husband have primary custody. My ex and I did it this way because he could afford to keep the house and his job would allow him to take them to school and watch them afterwards. He didn't raise them exactly as I would have but I had the comfort of knowing they were able to stay in their old neighborhood and be around their friends. I needed to start a new life- they needed the security of the old one. - 01/06/2011
Citygirl R. I thought you men would like this: http://www.zazzle.co.uk/fathers_tshirt-235800390928913400 A T shirt that's more than words: - 12/28/2010
Ryan A. I just went through this exact scenario this week.....My wife has extreme pharmaceutical dependency issues, and would sometimes get physical with me. This has been going on for our entire marriage. I had wanted to get away from her for about a year, but had not been able to because of financial reasons. Halloween night '10, she had an episode and I was forced to have her arrested. She was not allowed near me because of the mandatory restraining order, and thus she did not see the kids either. We both filed for custody of the kids, went to court this week, and I was awarded full custody. It wasn't intentional that I followed this plan, but this article points out the most important factor in keeping your kids. It was awful sticking around, and fighting at the house though. Its a double edged sword. - 11/20/2010
Matt M. This story rings true to me. I have been asking my wife for a divorce for many many years due to her erratic behavior (due to her refusal to seek help for her presumed bi-polar disorder). We have three young boys at home and leaving my boys with her has never been an option. She has a long history of getting physical, and just this July, I had to have her arrested because of another "event". I was issued an order of protection, but me being nice dad, allowed her to come back home, and accepted a "do not harrass" order of protection WHICH IS WORTHLESS. Fast forward: One day she was having an episode, and I told her to leave so as not to have a fight in the house, in front of the boys. My other recourse was to call the police, and have her arrested, but of course I didnt opt for that. WELL I SHOULD HAVE. She called the police on ME, said I hit her and they arrested ME, and gave her an order of protection. Now I cannot go home and have not seen my boys in 3 weeks! I will be filing for divorce any day now (just waiting for my slow attorney), but sheesh! I could never have imagined that this is how things would turn out. The author is right men - never leave your home because you will lose everything. In my case, I may lose everything because of a simple lie. UNBELIEVABLE!!! - 10/27/2010
Ross W. In 2003 my wife of 6 years and I agreed to shared custody, with my son being with me: every Tue and Thu from after school to the start of school the next day and every other weekend from Fri through Mon. She became involved with a man her own age (13 years my junior). I moved out so that the kids, mine and hers could stay with their same schools and friends, gave her the house and $3300 per month for child and spouse support. We're still separated with her on her 2nd man, the house was sold with all proceeds retained by her in exchange for an end of my spousal support and $2000 per month in child support. He's 14 now and I'm 60 and single. We, my son and I, are best friends and are surviving. I provide full family health and dental insurance via my employer, primarily because my wife's employer provides none and my ex-stepdaughter was born with spina bifada. The children do NOT need to suffer for the failures of their parents! - 10/06/2010
Jan B. Good article David. I grit my teeth and wince a little at the thought of two people who can't get along living together after they have decided to divorce though. YIKES! I totally agree that a dad needs to stay as long as it's safe for him to do so. I spoke with one man who refused to leave because he wanted to be with his children ....so he moved into the garage. It would be great if we could all be mature and put the children ahead of our own needs and emotions when separating and/or divorcing. Sometimes it does happen that way...we usually don't hear much about those divorces. - 10/06/2010
Melissa T. I agree with Joy. Emotional abuse...guilt, game playing, etc., can all go along with the divorce. Why can't each parent just be civil to each other, agree the marriage is not working and move on to a productive life. Work with each other after the divorce, if necessary, on how or who will raise the children. There are too many people who just refuse to let go, even if they really do not want to be with the other spouse. Why? - 10/01/2010
Joy H. Many couples stay together in abusive situations- during the divorce, because the attorneys say if one of them leave, that parent will be accused of "abandoning" the children or family home. It is like a strategy...a game...and it is a horrible way to live. I know, I did it. - 09/28/2010

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