How to Get Along with Her Kids
September 07, 2011, By Jack Heffron 0 comments
Dating after divorce can be challenging. Not a burning-bush revelation, I know, particularly for readers who've been divorced for a while and particularly for those who have kids. The women you date tend to be divorced as well, with kids of their own, so you're both struggling to balance parental and work responsibilities with a social life. One of the toughest challenges when a romance starts to get serious is negotiating the minefield of your kids and hers. Not only do the kids carry baggage thrust upon them early in their lives, you and your lady must realize that you lack one connection you both still share with your exes—your kids.
And there’s no Hot Button hotter to any parent than their children (and someone else saying how best to raise them). Press it with extreme caution. In relationships since my divorce, kids have caused more arguments between the woman and I than any other subject. (My own Button should have a sign warning “Don’t even think about pressing.") If your parenting styles differ significantly, both of you need to make your peace with that early on—or move on. It's been my experience that this issue isn't going to change. The main issue then becomes how to get along with each other's kids.
The key is to keep the kids’ feelings paramount. As much as you and your lady are struggling with the complexity of a post-divorce relationship, the kids feel that confusion even more. It should go without saying that you need to be open and empathic with your own kids, especially if they show any type of strong emotion about the situation. They may not express what they’re feeling—and may not even know what they’re feeling—so as the adult you need to observe their behavior and rely on your instincts.
The same approach will help you develop relationships with her kids. I wish there were a magic formula that would help you, but there are simply too many variables for some type of all-encompassing advice. With those variables in mind, here are some ideas that have helped me enjoy fulfilling relationships with “her kids.”
How Old Are the Kids?
Young ones often are easier to connect with than older ones, who witnessed the rocky road that led to their parents divorce. If they’re teenagers, odds are pretty good they’re not all that interested in mom’s new guy anyway, but they can surprise you. Sometimes they’re dealing with their own adolescent issues and expressing emotional needs that have nothing to do with you, but you end up being a convenient target. Young ones offer their own challenges and likely are more confused about the situation than you—or they—might realize. When meeting your girlfriend's kids try to make clear how you fit into the new equation, give them kindness and ask for nothing in return. They may not have much to give at first.
The key at any age is to get to know the kids—their interests, their personalities—by talking to them as well as to your lady. In learning about them, just be yourself. Don’t try to be their best friend or the “cool guy” who comes with presents or pays for elaborate outings. At the same time, make them feel included in activities you do with your lady. These kids have been through the breakup of their family and tend to be either wary (and standoffish) or needy (embracing you too quickly). Be patient and allow the relationship with each of them to develop in its natural course.
NEXT: How Recent Is the Divorce?
