Managing a Tough Divorce?
January 19, 2012, By Wayne M. Levine 0 comments
Divorce can be a terrible thing, for you and your kids. Sometimes it's unavoidable. Sometimes it's not your idea, and the best you can do is simply to do your best. Sometimes it can be absolute hell. I've seen men go through terribly hostile divorces with angry wives who would seemingly stop at nothing either to get what they wanted, turn the kids against dad, or just do their best to make his life miserable.
The original men's movement of the 1950s began in response to men who felt cheated, betrayed and beaten down by the family law system in this country. There are an enormous number of angry men who have tried everything in their power to maintain custody, or at least their relationships with their children, only to find themselves vilified or cut out entirely. I really feel for these men.
Looking from the outside in, it's not always possible to accurately judge a situation and to know just how a marriage was brought down. This post isn't about taking sides, but rather offering support for men who are finding themselves in an untenable situation—in a divorce proceeding that's draining them, breaking their spirits and making them want to act out violently or to give up on themselves and on their children.
Here's one man's story, but it's very similar to the experiences many men have with divorce.
Nick had been through almost two years of court hearings, psych evaluations for himself and his kids, restraining orders and legal threats, accusations of drug abuse and physical abuse, enormous legal bills he couldn't afford, and constant doubt and fear about how things would turn out, and whether he'd retain 50/50 custody.
The process was wearing him out and keeping him from tending to his business. But despite the limited time he had in his schedule, he wouldn't miss his weekly men's group. In time, it became clear to the men in his group that his wife's accusations were false. The men could see that Nick was a great guy, a loving and committed dad.
But each week Nick's state of mind would seesaw. Would he be in his power and feeling positive and engaged in this battle for his kids? Or would he be allowing the enormous strain of the process to bring him to his knees?
"Maybe I should just let her have what she wants," he would say periodically. Meaning, let her move away to another county with her boyfriend. Although that would stop the immediate pain, it would require Nick to uproot his business and his life—again—to be near his kids, whose lives would also be disrupted by the move.
