Single Fatherhood
August 11, 2010, By Kurt Simonsen 2 comments
Becoming a single father really isn't something anyone plans for. But when you no longer have that female influence sharing parenting duties, it gets tough in a hurry.
Working full-time and running your household alone is stressful and exhausting. But this is your new life and your children are depending on you to make it work. So, whether you have sole custody or only see your children a few times a week, consider the following.
Eliminate the guilt. Parenting by trying to make up for your marital mistakes will hurt the kids as much as your divorce. Despite your desire to "make it all OK," children's needs for structure and discipline do not change because the number of parents in the home has been reduced. They need you to be their father; they do not need you to shower them with false praise and gifts. Understand that kids are resilient. If you help them the right way — showing them love, being a positive role model and spending quality time with them -- they'll grow up fine.
Be in control. Even though you may feel as if life is spinning out of control, it is your duty to be strong in front of your children. When you see them in pain, and you certainly will, you cannot sit and cry with them. Comfort them, listen to them, but do not unburden yourself to them. This is not to say you should be an emotional rock; in fact, quite the opposite. Be warm and nurturing, and show them that everything is all right. Also realize that they will worry about their dad, so if they can see a man who has his life together, they'll feel more at ease and will be less likely to bury their emotions so as not to hurt you.
Plan and use time wisely. Sometimes divorce can make you a better dad. The time you took for granted before now becomes precious. When you have your children, it is just you and them. You can potentially have a far tighter bond with them than you would have had before. Be creative and involved. Focus on their interests and listen to them. Take them to cool places and spend meaningful time at home. Give them positive structure and make time to talk. See this time as a gift, and realize that they look forward to it, too. Kids will harbor guilt after divorce, but the way you spend your time with them will seriously impact how long and to what extent they continue to have those feelings.
Your life has changed, so must some of your goals and aspirations. That does not mean you give up on all you want; it means you have to modify the way you live so that your children can thrive. The bottom line is simple: Be a dad and love doing it.
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