7 Rules of Men's Bathroom Etiquette

May 25, 2011, By 193 comments

7 Rules of Men's Bathroom Etiquette

Public restrooms - and men's rooms in particular - ain't what they used to be. Watch a Bogart movie and you get the sense that public toilets were once bastions of Art Deco elegance and civility, with nattily attired men slipping the attendant a fin for the mints, the after shave and the freshly pressed towel. And, to be sure, there are still men's rooms like that out there. It's just that I never get to go in them. They don't exist at the airport or in, say, the local mall.

No, most of the men's rooms I take advantage of are dim, dank, oddly cold places with peeling taupe paint clinging to tin-thin metal stall dividers. The floor may or may not be moist and you don't want to think too much about what exactly is making it so sticky. A necessary evil, those public restrooms. They are supposed to be there for our 'convenience,' but have you ever noticed that they are not really that convenient? I mean, you need a restroom while you are browsing the GAP, so why do you have to walk all the way back to the food court?

I digress. The point is that the men's room is not a place you look forward to visiting. If you're like me, you imagine the ladies' room to be an oasis of comfortable chairs, soft indirect lighting and Bach's Brandenburg Concertos being wafted softly through the lavender scented air. Why else would they seem so excited to go? And in groups none the less. The mythic ladies' room is, in short, the exact opposite of the men's room, of which the most positive feature is often the ongoing graffiti battle going on between two lewd, key-wielding teenagers hell-bent on sullying the name of each other's mothers.

So, if no man in his right mind enjoys a trip to the loo, the least we can do is to try and make the experience as painless as possible for one another. And it's with this in mind, my fraternal brothers of the public john, that I offer these seven simple rules to remember when it comes bathroom etiquette. They are easy to remember and should, if everyone adheres, make this necessary evil a little less painful - perhaps, even, enjoyable - for everyone.

NEXT: Rule #1 - The Buffer Urinal

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Comments (193):

Jonathan A. i enjoyed the optics reference, however the correct term is "angle of incidence", not "angle of incident". - 02/04/2012
Tomas V. This is brilliant, all true and extremely important for all men to read. One additional point: the buffer rule applies to the stalls as well. This is an essential part of the bathroom ettiquette guide often left overlooked. If there are three stalls and someone is using the best one (usually against the far wall) you MUST, absolutely MUST NOT choose the middle stall. You have to apply the one stall buffer rule and get yourself into that other end stall. This is especially true if the bathroom does not have some sort of noise-reducing fan, music or other background sound. If it's art-museum quiet, you have to give people their space. I cannot stress this enough. - 10/12/2011
Lamb C. Really, the most idiotic piece of "content" i have been "provided" on the internet--ever. Hopefully "Craig" (if that's really his name) was paid in Godfather Pizza coupons or something on that order--just because you want to type this sh*t in does not mean i want to read it. Hopeless, and a new reason to stay out of mens' rooms entirely, the possibility of running into this twit. - 10/04/2011
Guest T. 8.Dont cross the streams! - 09/04/2011
Lisa K. This is sooooooo true, I especially like rule #5 and #6 : ) - 08/30/2011
Jon O. One more rule to add - when at the urinal shaking it off there's no need to fling it around like you're about to lasso a bull! The harder you shake the further the drops you're shaking off will fly and no-one wants to be on the receiving end of that! - 08/27/2011
Blimfark S. Gotta laugh at the claims of "homophobia" -- so any suggestion that there be ANY personal space boundaries at all is just that? Please. As a straight guy, I have absolutely no problem being hit on (and saying "no,thanks") in any situation in which it would be appropriate for me to approach a woman... and the bathroom isn't one of them. As the author observes, "A lot of times, it's the only time I get to myself to read or get caught up on all the staring and doing nothing I have fallen so far behind on since the kids came along." (Oh, and kudos to everyone who explicitly called out mandatory hand-washing as the glaringly-absent rule). - 08/27/2011
Jess H. I have long wanted to write an article on this topic, but taking the opposite stance to this one. I just want to say to all the guys out there, stop being such pansy wusses! I don't understand why someone will go into a stall to leave a mess all over the seat which they "forgot" to put up just to avoid standing next to another guy. It's not like it's a secret what you're doing. Just get in and do your business. Be a man; get over the stupid fears. If you're there for number 1, stand at the urinal like a man instead of making a mess all over the regular toilets, because you know you're not that good of an aim. Seriously. - 08/26/2011
Peter H. I have had long discussions at the urinal while in the service - from boot camp to Afghanistan a couple years ago. I do not abide the concept of silence - this is a time to speak with your colleagues while making eye contact. - 08/25/2011
Ryky B. Did I miss something? Where does WASHING YOUR HANDS fit in these instructions? My doctor and I were in the loo at the same time. I used the urinal, he had to do number 2. Did he wash his hands? Heck no! I left, went home and called back and cancelled the apptmnt. I also changed doctors! - 08/12/2011
Michael D. Bathrooms were elegant amd in the 1950's I remember going into the Hotel Touraine on the corner of Tremont and Boylston St in Boston and there in this beautiful bathroom was a drunk sitting in the sink taking a bath. When I would take trips overseas the bathroom situation was horrible. The line of women standing at the women's bathroom was long so when we males finished we would stand guard so the women go use the men's room. I don't know why men have no manners when going to the bathroom and there are times I'd rather dump in my shorts then use the men's room. My girlfriend tells me woman are now as slobby as men and the women make a mess of the bathrooms like the men do.I had 3 olders sisters (old enough to be my mothers) and a mother that gave you a bloody lip if you didn't do things right especially if you didn't wash your hands when you were through. I don't shake guys hangs after they go to the bathroom to avoid a surprise. - 08/11/2011
A V. These are the rules for men's bathroom etiquette! I would add three more including no pecker gazing, courtesy flush and wash your hands. If you don't like it, then too bad, deal with it. This is the men's bathroom! If you want to be a sensitive, progressive, wussy then go to the women's bathroom, talk all you want about the color of your hair and what kind of feminine hygiene product you should be using. - 08/05/2011
Miguel M. I disagree with most of those that only show the deep insecurity of the writer, although I agree with those regarding hygiene. But please, for all of you who never learned wht the LID is for, PLEASE put it down after you use the toilet and always keep it down when not in use at home! - 08/03/2011
Larry H. What about a courtesy flush? If you are finished with your business and have started to play a game, text friends, etc, please FLUSH THE STINK DOWN! It is gross to walk into a bathroom and get assaulted by someone's number two. Just flush it, don't float it! - 08/02/2011
Noy F. women's restrooms are gross as well. they had sofas & music back in the 80's but only at the mall. they are disgusting tho, especially when mother's bring their kids in there to potty train omg gross - 08/01/2011
Frank W. This has to be some of the most ridiculous nonsense that I have ever read. Most men (with the exception of those insecure, self-conscious weenies such as the author) couldn't care less about "public men's room etiquette." - 07/31/2011
Recardo A. Go to the play area of a McDonald and see all the crap on the slides, ladders, etc. It is the worst for children to be playing in. Parents, wake up and ask McDonalds to clean up those inside play areas. They are full of germs and desease. - 07/30/2011
Jeremy G. great article. i don't find it homophobic or offensive whatsoever and anyone who does is terribly sensitive or insecure (probably both). i wish more guys were aware of the unwritten rules of men's room etiquette, but unfortunately, we seem to live in a world in which men are becoming less civilized every moment. and i think you should definitely add and 8th rule -- WASH YOUR HANDS GUYS! i can not tell you how rarely i've known a man to wash his hands after doing his business. it's not that hard fellows. we're not neanderthals. we're human beings. let's act like it. - 07/29/2011

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