Craig Learns How: The Unscientific Coat Test

January 04, 2011, By Brian Bowen 0 comments

I look forward to winter. It’s my favorite time of year. To me, winter and winter weather are proof of life. Stinging wind, lazy falling snow, the way the sun gleams off the ice. The world becomes surreal when it gets cold. Walking at night during a snowstorm – to the mailbox, with the dog, with the kids – it’s like walking around inside a book and everything you see appears the way it looks when you read. Bright, but shallow.

I look forward to winter the way Louie Anderson looks forward to a buffet. When it’s hot and I’m sweating through every layer of clothing I’m wearing, I dream of February and a sweater, of January and a parka, of any other time and place.

But winter will bite you in the ass. Cold is good for the soul, but it can be hell on the body. Just ask a mountain climber with three toes and a missing nose how dangerous frostbite can be. Ask a skier trapped in an avalanche how dangerous hypothermia can be. And it doesn’t take much.

Still, I want to enjoy the winter and doing so requires one of my other favorite things in the world – a good coat. I used to be a technical guy. Parka. Gore-Tex. Or leather. I had this great old leather jacket, like a modern take on the old B-2 fighter pilot jackets from World War II. But the lining eventually tore away and I grew a few inches (and pounds) and I had to give it up. So I was in the market and wanted to see which kind of jacket would be right for me.

I contacted Eddie Bauer. The mall-based clothier may seem like the kind of place that specializes in jeans and wrinkle-free Oxfords, but the store’s heritage is pure outdoor adventure. First off, Eddie Bauer was a real guy. Born in 1899 on the San Juan Islands of Washington, he began working in sporting goods in 1913 and opened his own shop in 1920 at the age of 21. In 1934, he invented the badminton shuttlecock design that remains the standard today. And two years later, he created the first quilted goose down jacket in North America – the “Skyliner.” During World War II, he made flight suits and sleeping bags for American airmen and troops and later he outfitted the first American expedition to summit Everest.

Yeah, the company knows a thing or two about warmth in the outdoors. So when I told them I was in the market for a winter coat and wanted to learn about different materials and styles, they happily recommended three and sent me some samples to test.

The Test
WARNING: Do Not Try This At Home

Here in Southwest Ohio, winter weather is a fickle thing. One day it will be 12 degrees and a white out. Two days later, 60 degrees and sunny. If we were going to do this test right, we needed controlled conditions and what better place than the deep freezers of a company that makes ice sculptures? Arctic Diamond was happy to let me freeze my ass off in the name of pseudo-science and entertainment. And, in the interest of the aforementioned pseudo-science, my production team and I devised an experiment: I would spend 10 minutes at a time sitting relatively still in the 17-degree Arctic Diamond freezers. The first would be coat-free. The second in a fleece jacket. The third in a goose down jacket. And finally in a wool peacoat. 40 minutes in the deep freeze and in between each test, I would take my temperature and record my observations.

Hilarity ensued.

Test One- No Coat

I’m a native of north-central Wisconsin. I like to think that winter is my thing. I like to look down my nose at those who bundle up in the 40s. But I have to admit this was incredibly cold. In a cotton v-neck and an oxford shirt, I sat on a metal chair and counted the minutes for this to be over. This test alone proved the need for a coat. By the end of it, I felt colder than Ted Williams’ head. My body temperature dropped 1.5 degrees in 10 minutes. Hypothermia sets in at 3.5 degrees in core temperature drop. And it only takes 30 minutes of exposure to get frostbite. This base was, in a word, stupid.

Test Two- Point Success Fleece Jacket ($99)

Here’s how the folks at EB describe this jacket:
“Made of a four-way stretch 6.8 oz Polar Tec Power Stretch fabric on the sides for exceptional mobility. 8.2 oz Polar Tec Wind Pro fabric in the body is four times more wind-resistant than traditional fleece. Durable water-resistant (DWR) finish repels light rain, and the turling collar will protect your face from the wind and cold.”

My take? The fleece did better than no coat at all, but I still think fleece is for fall or for use as a mid-layer beneath an outer layer with more wind-resistance. Giant fans in the coolers sent biting winds through the coat. Not completely, but enough to notice. My body temperature went up .2 degrees, but I won’t say this was the jacket I would want to wear for prolonged periods outside in the cold. Great for a trip to the grocery store or to a wood pile, but I still felt like a box of taquitos at Costco by the time I was done.

Test Three- Downlight Sweater ($169)

They call it a sweater, but really it’s a jacket. It’s filled with 800 fill-power northern European goose down and I can only hope that it was the same geese that gave their lives for all the foie gras Anthony Bourdain eats on his show. I liked the down. I liked how light it was and it was pretty easy to move around in. My body temperature dropped slightly, but I have a feeling this had more to do with the fact that I had now spent 30 minutes in an arctic cooler than anything to do with the coat. It insulated pretty well from the giant fans and was more than comfortable. My only problem with it was that I felt a little like an extra in a mid-90s Puff Daddy video featuring Mace and Missy Elliot. Down is dynamite on a smaller guy, but I’m already a little fluffy. I felt like the cut of the coat accentuated my paunch a little too much to be my choice.

Test Four – Wool Peacoat ($179)

By this point, Brian, the camera guy, and Kasie, our enthusiastic if over-worked Associate Editor, had ditched me. Brian set up the camera, handed me the timer (a free App on his iPhone) and headed for warmer air, leaving me to deliver a 10 minute monologue into the camera about God knows what. I was freezing by this point, okay? But the peacoat, oh the peacoat. I had found the one.

Originally used by British sailors to keep warm on long, dark North Sea nights, the double-breasted, high-collared coat is proof that functionality can look extremely awesome. I felt warm. I felt comfortable. I felt, because it was significantly heavier than the other two coats, like I had a coat on. Wool has long been man’s best weapon in the war against cold. It’s a great insulator and, unlike the fleece or down, it doesn’t require a special coating to make it waterproof. In fact, wool is perfect for cold and wet because it doesn’t loose it’s insulating properties when wet. Granted, I can’t imagine going overboard and having to try and swim in a coat like this, but I live in the Midwest, is that really an issue? My body temp dropped slightly again, but my comfort level was the highest in the peacoat. No more feeling like donated sperm. I had found my winter Valhalla.

Conclusion

The right coat can mean the difference between a miserable day and a winter playground. For the active – runners, climbers and skiers – I’d go with something like the fleece or the down. They are light, comfortable and allow for great ease of movement. If you’re moving and cranking up your own heat, they insulate pretty well. But if you’re not out to work up a sweat, go with something wool. I loved my old leather jacket, but it wore signs of winter like Abe Vegotta’s face wears liver spots and other more technical jackets required a bit too much maintenance – special sport washes, etc… Wool is forgiving. It’s heavy, true and is a bit harder to move around in than other materials. But damn it’s warm. And that, to me, is the most important thing.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s starting to snow and I have a walk to take.